Emptiness

I am so beyond pissed now. Again. What a surprise. So I got a note about me having a package to pick up and another letter containing the bill for the wig that I ordered bloody 2,5 weeks ago, so naturally I thought that note was about that I had finally received my wig, so I went to pick it up. But, as I arrived at the post office and got a fucking letter instead I was furious. Nearly tore the damn letter to pieces before even opening it, but managed not to. And what was waiting inside the envelope? Another one of those warnings or you'll get evicted notes, which I had already gotten two of before, and they're all the same. What the fuck is this shit? I fucking got it the first time!

Now I will have to write to the damn company I ordered the wig from and try to not go apeshit crazy with cursing and what not if at all possible at this point. That damn package has, according to the tracking website, been stuck in Järfälla of all god damned places since Friday last week. What the fuck are they up to? Why don't they continue sending it to my address?

Okay just sent a message to the company without any curse words or anything even remotely unpleasant. Now I'm working on getting drunk as fuck just to stay somewhat sane and tolerate this existence for a little while. And I'm waiting for you to come online cause I miss you as fuck, but you're not coming online, and I guess this might be how you're feeling when I'm not available online. I really want you here right now.

The reason as to why I haven't been posting anything here for quite a while is because I haven't been able to write, and if I have it's just been a few lines. Hardly enough for a blog entry. I usually, these days, manage to write a few lines of text about once every third day, which is next to nothing compared to my usual self. I don't know where my creativity has gone. I can't create anything at all, and now alcohol helps but I'm on the verge of being too drunk to write.

I wish I could be poetic, I wish I could be anything. But what is left, but an infinite void and emptiness? Nothing can bring me together, it feels like. And how I still can't keep my anger within even though my apartment depends on it. Catch myself almost screaming "fuck" when my cell phone refuse to send my latest selfie to my e-mail after repeated tries, and how I repeated those tries tenfold, elevenfold, twelvefold and then lost count until I had no more breath to use.

Now only loud music in my headphones and dreaming of seeing you again keeps me sane, but how I cannot even bother with the piece of duct tape on my balcony door to keep the cigarette smoke from swirling into my apartment. Yeah, my mother tried her very best to clean my old apartment that I had been smoking inside for about 3 years in, but it had apparently failed and now my family have to pay 30 thousand Swedish krona to get that apartment fit for a new person to live there. So I should perhaps care at least a little bit about not causing the same ordeal to this apartment, right? Right...?

Well fact is I have no care left at all. Fact is when the winds are too strong on that balcony I light my cigarette halfway inside the apartment cause I'm an addict and if I can't get my fucking fix I will panic and panic has no limits. I smoke a lot less already, maybe somewhere around 10-15 cigarettes a day, but that still doesn't mean I can go one more second without a cigarette when I need one. And have I mentioned how very much I hate this season yet? If it's not raining... oh, fuck that it's freaking constantly raining and I have no roof over my balcony, but aside from the rain, strong winds are more than just common as well.

It feels like something keeps the light away from me. I won't even take another sip of my drink. I thought, perhaps stupidly, that drunkenness would keep my anger away for a while, but it's not helping at all. I'm sick of it all. So fucking sick of this hell.