Wake-up call

I need to say this, I'm not sure if you know anything about it. Please do not panic, this doesn't have anything to do with you, me or anyone we personally know. It's about Teal Swan on youtube. At first I was skeptical, then I fell for her openness, but always remained somewhat skeptical. I can still not claim to be able to confirm anything, but seems like things are not looking so good for her authenticity. I've come across several different people who have claimed she is in fact a fraud and or harmful which includes a lot of various accusations.

One of those accusations is that three people who took her advice have committed suicide because of what she told them. Right or wrong? Not my place to judge. Others have said that she promotes suicide with the claim that it has no consequences on a spiritual level, which they claim was the cause of her followers suicides. On a less severe note people also accuse her of having stolen and twisted ancient teachings (can't remember which one right now).

However, whatever the case is with Teal Swan, I do choose for now to not fully trust or join any side. All I'm saying is that I'll be more cautious when watching her videos and listening to whatever she's saying.

On another side note, I did come across a to me very interesting view on suicide and its consequences from one of these people's videos, from a spiritual perspective. It did actually manage to shake my numbness, and I do believe that is indeed something powerful because I have not been able to do so at all until now, despite trying very hard, for weeks now. Although I do realise now, that I've been watching the wrong videos entirely. I guess you could say that the message got through.

Now, no matter if that person was right or wrong about her statements, that is not important. I've come to the point with my trust issues where I think there's no point in just blindly believing complete strangers whatever they're saying, no matter the circumstances, how "believable" it sounds or doesn't, their body language or anything, but to focus on trusting the people that matter to me.

I can be shaken emotionally and on an intellectual level, by something I'm told, without putting any trust into it. I look beyond whether a statement is true or false and into what does it changes within me. Now this is very difficult for me to explain as well as I would like to, but I try. When I watched that video, what I felt was that something fell into place within me. Not because of what I was told, but because of what I already knew.

I don't know if I've told you this at some point, but it is my belief that every single bit of knowledge is already within us all. It's just that some have more access to more and different things than others, or more likely, they only think they got access to different things than others. That is however not me stating it as some kind of fact, it is just a belief. That our knowledge comes from within, but I do also think that interacting with others is just as important as interacting with ourselves to get access to that knowledge. I've had that belief for at least the past 10, maybe even 15, years.

But, back to the video, this person also said something else that also hit me hard. She said, that there are divine worlds out there (not earth then) where people live with a certain kind of enlightenment, but it is not the same kind of enlightenment that can be obtained here on earth. That the kind one can achieve here, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. That being put in a human body is basically the greatest gift to get to achieve that. (That also lead to her further explaining why suicide does have consequences, as she said that destroying one's human body is to not accept that gift, and karma will get you, but a bit more complicated than that). I hope I'm remembering this at least somewhat right, but if not I can easily find that youtube video again. However, what she said about those divine worlds, hit me hard because I think she spoke about Dala. That Dala very well might be such a place. I'll definitely add that to one of many possibilities if not else.

Was this a wake-up call? Can I somehow get back on track again and try to stop abusing myself as I've been doing these past two or so weeks? I cannot say for sure, but it definitely stirred something within me. I do realise I'm not giving you the full picture of my experience, but I'm so out of place these days I simply cannot. As I write I cannot give the details in the right order or precisely describe them. But my point is, that whatever happened within me, for just a moment, I could see my past, my present and my future exactly how they were tied together and all significant. All there, at once.

Now, if I can just pull my ass out of this damn chair and go do something about it, that is something different. I need more time to think and collect myself before becoming any means of social again, meaning I'll continue to stay offline for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow I'll feel up for talking again. I hope so. I have so much to say, perhaps mostly about other unrelated things though, but I never have the energy to bring it up. Hopefully, as I'll start to take better care for myself again, at least some of my these days quite horrible state of mind can be stabilised or something. Starting with going to bed at a more reasonable time than dawn. Then I'll take it from there.