I feel stranger the more I braid, and it's not the weight on my head. It's as if I'm changing by the minute. It reminds me of when I used to switch between what I called "light" and "dark" versions of myself. As if something triggered me, ticked me off the edge and parts of my mind are changing as a result of that. My lack of interest for the world around me is growing stronger, and I feel a strong urge to just hide away for some time. From school, from the German course I have no wish to attend to tomorrow, from social events, classmates and most of my friends. Perhaps all the stress lately triggered this somewhat dissociative state.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
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