So much to smile about

May... you came and went. I will always remember you with warmth in my heart. It's been the most amazing, exciting, wonderful month. I'm back in my apartment after the travel from Uppsala. I don't know what I feel. Lonely, sort of empty but full of all that's happened lately. The memories keep replaying in my head. They make me smile. Your music echoes between the walls of my smokey apartment. You were still logged in on my computer so I took the chance, I hope that's okay. I wish I could write it all down somewhere cause it's so much good music that I will just never be able to remember.

I flew back to Visby from Arlanda yesterday so not so much exhausting travels, but still it took a fair bit of energy. Especially since I didn't have any time for coffee, cigarettes or breakfast in the morning. But oh well, I got my tired ass back to this god forsaken island where my mother picked me up.

My teacher at school sent me text messages about us having a meeting yesterday at 14:00 but I totally dissed him to stay in Uppsala for as long as possible. He also told me that if I wanted to continue school at the course I currently go, I need to be there on summer activities and meetings or else I can forget it. My immediate response was "fuck that shit I'm going to Germany instead" and that seeing you again is way more important to me than school.

No, I didn't tell him that but that's how I prioritise, then we'll see if I won't be able to continue at Livskraft next term because of that.

Late on June 1st I went with my friends to my best friend's parents in Alunda (they had to leave their guinea pigs there since they were going away for a festival) and it was nice seeing them again as well. It's been 7 years since I last met her parents. Her mother is really nice and we had some nice conversations, and her father had one of his good days, I guess. He did not insult me, to everyone's surprise apparently. What I've heard is that he's not exactly accepting or understanding of that I'm trans and gay, I guess you could say he's a bit "old fashioned" in that department or what do I know. But yeah, he didn't say anything mean or ignorant to me that evening, so that's good.

When I last met him must have been around the time I came out as trans, back in 2009. That was when my family moved to Gotland and I moved to Uppsala. I don't remember much of how he used to be back then, but he was polite to me yesterday. We mostly talked about Gotland (the lack of water here mostly) and my family members, although he didn't ask anything about my mother for some unknown reason. I don't remember if the two of them ever got along in the past.

Alunda hadn't changed much since I was there last time. I knew the school where I spend most of my time between age 6 and 16 had been re-built a few years ago, and it stung within me when we drew past the sports field behind the school where I had been assaulted at the age of 9. Yeah, literally staring at the exact spot through the car window for the first time in 11 years did have some effect on me. Then we drove around in the center a bit to look at what else had changed. The grocery store is bigger now, some stores had changed or shut down but over all there wasn't much difference.

For some reason, I would have liked to show you around there. Maybe someday I will. If I'll come to live there one day. Then I'll probably have fika with my best friend's parents more often than she does. I know I used to visit them when they all 3 lived there, back when I was a teen. I visited them a lot between age 12-ish and 19-ish and a little before as well. It felt weird visiting that place for the first time in 7 years. I remembered some streets from my nightly dreams as I often tend to visit them when I'm asleep. It left me feeling weird, excited, horrible and nostalgic all at once. It's not the place that sucks though, it's not worse than Hemse, it's most of the people that used to live there when I grew up that sucked. And I won't be bothered by them if I move there.

Haha, would actually be quite fun to see some of my former classmates from elementary school again and or their parents just to shock them with what I've become and always been.

I haven't written here for exactly a month until now. Yes, my finger dances over the keyboard effortlessly as if no time at all has passed. Muscle memory, I guess.

The void you left behind ever since the second you left has been painful. No, I'm not blaming you on my pain, I don't blame anyone or anything. Just thought I should tell you about that, how hard it's been. I remember stroking the door frame to my friends' apartment the second after you closed it, feeling the pain hitting me immediately. I didn't know what to do with myself. That day went by slowly. I figured out how to use the coffee machine and had 7 cups of coffee in 11 hours. I borrowed his computer without having asked first. No snooping, just checked my facebook and tumblr, that was all I was interested in. 11 hours of pain and loneliness. I think I cried at least 2 times, as I tried to rest on the couch.

I stayed awake, although just barely. The heat out on the balcony was unbearable and I thought about you, how you were coping with the heat. I for sure wasn't coping. More like dying. I sat on a spot on the floor where there was shadow, shirtless to not drench my tank top in the sweat that was literally pouring out from me, sunglasses on and well yeah, just suffered through it every time I had to smoke until about 19:00 o'clock when the temperature started getting decent again.

Then I had some time with my best friend just her and me and that was nice too. We could catch up a bit more. I told her that was the reason I wanted to stay in Uppsala a little while longer after you left and it's true. I'm still trying to process all of my memories and they keep replaying in my mind randomly. I write them down as they come to me. I will most likely write more about May here later on, but right now I feel more like just writing about the past few days and about what state I'm in right now. I'm not gonna do much today but taking it easy, smoking, writing, checking the online sites every once in a while and maybe also play some WoW.

It's gonna be difficult, not being able to talk as much and often as we did when we were in the same place, to not feel your touch, or look you in your eyes, but as you said: "soon". I hold on to that.

I have so much to say, yet I'm only writing about the past few days or so. So much has changed, for the better. Damn of course it's for the better! I smile so much recently, at first I wasn't used to it so my face kinda twitched from the tension, but it seems to have lessened with time. Now I smile more effortlessly, and I have so much to smile about. Although I still feel that pain, it's not numbing me. It's there, but it doesn't take over all the good things. I wouldn't let it.

I look at the picture of us where you smile the most and it's making me smile too. Over and over again. Damn it's so beautiful, your smile. Even if it is just a still picture. It's my background picture on my cell phone now.

I googled some stuff about how to get a passport and it seems pretty easy. Just get my ass to the police station in Visby wherever that is, bring my ID-card, 350 kronor and look good for the photo. Pretty much it. It should take about a week for it to get done. I feel like I can't sit still. Like I've gotta do stuff immediately but I'm all out of energy and don't really know where to start. I should take it easy for a while. I haven't even begun trying to talk my mother into "letting" me go. If she won't "let" me I'll just go anyway, but that thing about my medication can be difficult. Then I'd most likely have to fix an appointment with my doctor and tell him the whole thing and that I need lots of my pills for when I leave. Maybe also throw in that I'm not planning on overdosing on anything at all and that I've been taking my medications the way I'm supposed to for a long time now. Maybe I'd even try to make it so that my mother no longer can have control over my medications anymore, if at all possible.

I mean, I am an adult, legally and I'm in charge of myself in every single way, it shouldn't be impossible to just shred those papers I signed in the past or something. I mean, if that would be a necessary thing to do and a possibility, I'm all for it. I think, if I can guess wildly, that what my mother is the most scared of, is me being on my own so far away from her and for a longer period of time. I can always tell her that I won't be completely alone in a to me foreign country, I mean I'll have you, but in the end it's my decision and I know that. It's just that I do still care about her and love her enough to want to assure her that I'll be more than okay.

What I do care about is that I don't want her to worry too much about me, but if she's gonna try to control me then I won't give a damn about her. I know very well it won't be too much for me, I know I'll make it to your place and I know it will be awesome. She's the one who's always just focused on everything that could possibly go wrong. I don't blame her, I mean my life hasn't exactly been easy, but what I can't understand is why she's trying to control me like she does. Or well, I guess I can understand it, I just don't want it to be that way at all.

Just thinking about visiting you makes me smile so damn much. To see where you live, thinking about all the things we might do there and in the general area, and of course to be close to you again. I just want to do everything at once to get it all done as fast as possible but I know I shouldn't rush things cause that never ends well. I should stay here for a moment and just fucking breathe a bit before I go stressing myself out. This week has pretty much ended, so I plan on taking care of the passport business sometime in the beginning of next week or so. Today I'm dead, then it's weekend. So rest for a few days now is probably exactly what I need. But I'm so eager, so excited...

And I'm gonna ask my mother when my next shot of testosterone in July will be, as she should know. Keeping count and all, which I don't, for some reason. I can't even remember when I had my last shot, but sometime in March, I think, cause I just counted sloppily 15 weeks-ish from then and came to the quick conclusion that the next one should be sometime in July. My mind just keep racing but my body is so tired now. I should probably post this shit soon.

Okay I asked my mother when I should take my next shot of testosterone and she said it's on July 7th. That's a Thursday, but I know it's not extremely important that I get it on that exact day. Any day that week or the next should be good. I told my mother about my passport plans and she wasn't against that, actually she suggested we go to the police station together on Wednesday when I have my next appointment with my psychologist. Oh, and I found my glasses in my backpack, so I didn't forget to bring them.

I just logged you out from google on my computer or else I wouldn't have been able to post this blog entry since I needed to be logged in on my own account.

I think about our goodbye at my best friends' apartment a lot. Maybe a bit too much, I never know what's too much in terms of thoughts. But, at least a few times a day, maybe more. I meant it, you know, I really really meant what I said. It had been on my mind and in my heart and soul for quite some time, but I was scared of saying it too soon. Then I got scared of saying it too late. I don't regret what I said at all, but I know it must have been overwhelming for you. I won't say more about that here, I think it's more of a thing that's maybe between you and me and not the entire world, but I don't know. Please tell me if I'm too open about us here. It's just that I'm so very proud of having you by my side that I want the whole world to know. What I mean is I want to write about anything and everything that I'm feeling and thinking but of course not everything about you. Just my perspective, if that makes any sense. But if it's not appropriate of course I'll shut up about it.

I mean I don't have to tell the world, especially if you're not comfortable with that, but yeah, I want for like literally everyone to know how happy I am with you. I really am, damn. Happy on my own as well, but it wouldn't be the same without you at all.

All that brought me here

"I've been searching for what's lost
not knowing what I was missing the most
holding on to fading echoes vanishing too fast
I've always been in your shadow cast

Clutching at the remains of my past
the memories of what will always last
trapped in my soul, I'll let you in
to explore and discover what's within

And I open what's always been closed
the gates to my core now fully exposed
and I breathe with your heartbeat in your light
hold your darkness through day and night

Succumb to the fire consuming me
asking myself how can all of this be
but our magic is the answer and I know
that not all can be explained but it can show

I held your hand and I wouldn't lose my grip
cause I felt it all through my fingertip
all that got me lost and eventually brought me here
filled the void and broke out in a single tear"