Reasons to belong

So I just wrote a kinda strong poem about Dala that I posted on tumblr. Once again my words took me by surprise, especially at the last verse. I can still bring out things within me that I didn't know were there until they're written in front of me when I write. Dala... it's so confusing these days. As partially I'm letting go of my heaven, but partially I still hold on to it. I still want to go back, but what's changed is that I want to stay here too, first, before going back to Dala. I want to live my life but I still feel so fucking out of place here. And I don't know how to find my place, or if I ever will. No, it wouldn't be the whole world if I never will. I've accepted my alienation long ago.

That there's nowhere I truly feel like I belong. Not among other humans, or animals for that matter. Not among other goths, other transgender people, other gays, other world of warcraft nerds, others with asperger syndrome, others with borderline, others with eating disorders, others who can remember past lives, other Satanists, others who are otherkin and I can literally go on forever cause I've got quite a lot of labels and that's the thing. I can't fit into either one of those boxes because there's so much more to me that makes me stand out no matter where I go. But, I see it as that by not belonging anywhere, I also belong everywhere.

I'm quite good at adapting to almost any given situation or group of people. I may feel just as lost wherever I go, but that means I also feel just as found. In Dala it was the exact opposite, so... by my own logic (fucked up or not) that must mean that it was the exact same thing, but reversed. That thing about opposites actually being the same still tends to confuse me. It's like I just know that it is that way but I can't understand it. I'm just casually waiting for me to eventually understand it, as I don't think there's anything I can do to study it. Either I just understand it or I don't.

So much is still entangled in my mind. The wars are far from as intense as before but they still exist. I don't compete with myself, I don't care which part of me wins in whatever situation. Cause in the end there is no winning or losing and I can't win or lose cause I'm fighting with myself. But I can't just stop the wars either, so I let them go on as I shrug and keep doing whatever instead. Of course I want peace in my own damn head but I know that time is not an issue and this isn't something that can be rushed. I need to let it sort itself out. And it will, eventually it will.

The war on whether I can go back to Dala or not is completely pointless. I cannot decide if I can go back there or not, at least not as far as I know. But what I've been trying to figure out, and what the poem is about, is what does Dala mean to me now? Now that I'm no longer aching desperately to go back there every single second of my life? Now that I look at it differently, as a part of my past rather than a part of my present. That it no longer defines who I am, only who I was. Of course my memories still impact my life and everything that I truly am, but they don't make me who I am.

I am someone else now, yet I will always be the same. In a way, I'm breaking free from Dala, or rather from my memories of Dala. I do that in order to be able to live this life as fully as possible. I don't mean to bury Dala somewhere six feet under, but I mean to gently put it aside until I need it again whenever that will be. I can't let it bring me down anymore. I can't keep living in the past if I want to be able to make the most out of this life. But the question that keeps popping up in my head is: "who am I without Dala?"

I can't be human, I don't identify that way. I can live as one, sort of half assed and weirdly, barely even passing for a human being. I mean, often times it feels like I'm just walking around wearing a really badly made Halloween costume meant to look like a caucasian human that some fucker made while being both drunk as fuck and stoned. Like I'm not fooling anyone, but more likely just scaring people with that really horrible costume. What makes me even believe that everyone can see right through me?

Cause it's a lot more likely that people wouldn't believe that I'm actually a demon if I told them. Somehow I have a harder time believing that. Like how can they not see? I'm obviously not one of them! And it's been so obvious to me all my life, I had to be told I wasn't myself anymore to be able to understand what it is that others see when they look at me. Then how can I let go of who I was...?

I can't even understand who I am now. I still feel like I've just been stuffed into a strange new body that I can't relate to. 27 years and I still feel like my soul is chafing against my body's edges. Some things have gotten a lot better since last time I checked though. I don't hate my body anymore, it's quite okay for a human body and there's nothing wrong with human bodies in general. It's just not what I'm used to. And I don't think I ever will be. And beneath all the self hatred I've been living with, there's also always been a lot of self love. I've always loved my uniqueness and strangeness despite how much trouble it's caused me.

I will always keep being me no matter what kind of life I'm living. To me that is a great comfort, these days it is. As is also that I will always have my home with me in my heart, wherever I go. Something just hit me. You've said that you don't really feel at home anywhere, while for me I have a very specific space that is my only true home. I've been thinking about this before and what it could mean. Perhaps the way you perceived Dala was not how I perceived it. Perhaps there are deeper meanings as to why you don't have such memories. Something that connects us, or could have driven us apart. Something neither of us are meant to understand before it's time for us to. I haven't really been able to let go of that.

I accept things as they are now, but I still find myself wondering why they are the way they are. Like what's the exact reasons? I know I will understand everything eventually, and I'm not forcing myself to understand things that are still beyond what I can grasp. I'm merely sniffing around and see if I can pick up some interesting scents of things, instead of digging endless amounts of holes that I would likely just fall into and get myself buried in. I don't want to dig too deep as I have a strong sensation that would lead me off my path. I'm not meant to rush things.

I've been doing that my entire life up until recently and that certainly didn't turn out well. I'm still alive, obviously, but I just have that feeling that I've been going about solving things entirely the wrong way. With desperation and obsession leading me to all sorts of scary places. One of my strongest fears is still that I won't ever be able to return to Dala again. And I have a feeling that it might turn out that way, as long as I cling to that fear, but that if I can let go and accept that yeah, I might not be able to go back, then there's a chance.

And I know that fear is tossing and turning and screaming within me. I try to just let it be, let it have at it for as long as it needs to. It can't harm me, it's just a feeling, ways for me to describe a feeling that is older than I am. Most feelings are, come to think of it. However, I know there's no harm in letting that specific feeling tumble around within me until it's done with that. Until I know what to do with it. I no longer believe that fears should be fought, but rather handled with gentleness and care. Soothe them, let them rage around and eventually they might not be so scary anymore. But as for now, I'm still within the process, or several different processes at the same time. Nothing I can't handle, not for now at least. I do prioritise several different things at the same time, as they all seem to be of the same kind of importance. At least for now.