A decision

Oh seriously? It's 23:50 and I just woke up. Will take my meds and go back to sleep again soon though. But I dreamed about you, Y, and I didn't want to forget my dream. At the end of it I held on to a knitted hat of yours that you had broken in rage. I had been looking for it for hours because I knew you really loved it. And when I found it in pieces I fell into tears and couldn't stop crying. Before I had started looking for your hat you and I had had really nice closeness together, but in the middle of everything you just left. I couldn't find you and it was you I was looking for, until my mother told me that you had gone back to Germany. I was so upset that you had left without saying goodbye. But then I started looking for your hat cause I knew it was important to you.

You were staying at a very fancy hotel in Visby during your stay in Sweden to visit me, and damn that hotel was special indeed. It actually kept changing all the time and I got lost in it all the time. Sometimes it was a beautiful white wooden house with partial glass walls, sort of Victorian era inspired. Other times it was more like a fair with very strange attractions/rides that I can't even begin to describe, my memory is fading fast. Yet other times it was more like a psychiatric ward with endless corridors with white doors, a nurses' office a cellar with clothing stores and such with limited access depending on how well you behaved at your stay there.

The whole dream was packed with details, mostly surrounding that hotel, but also with what was happening. It was extremely intense and overwhelming with all different kinds of thoughts and feelings. It... I can't compare it to anything else. It felt very unique. And also very important that I tried to write it down. I think one aspect of what it means is that with you, nothing's ever boring and things keep on happening. The other thing is that it helps me come to terms with the most recent decision I've made. It's regarding my eating disorder, not just the latest relapse but all of it.

However, my decision is that on my next appointment with my therapist, I'm gonna ask her to help me. To fix a contact (a new one cause I can't stand the person I saw for that in the past) to finally really help me deal with my eating disorder for good. I will be making it clear that I won't be staying at a psych ward on my own free will, but I'll be willing to work with this in out patient care. And I mean really work with it. And I won't settle for seeing a dietitian and then someone else just to discuss my food habits until I eat normally again. No, I will try my very best to push for getting help on the emotional level as well, to deal with all these thoughts and feelings that have been tormenting me for the past two years now.

It wasn't a very easy decision for me to make, but I think it might be just what I need. I don't think I can crawl out of this pit on my own. I knew you were right about everything you said but it was not what I wanted to hear at the time of our conversation. That's why I got angry. Part of the reason, at least. I think reaching this decision was me kinda managing to look beyond the eating disorder and into my real wishes and dreams. And those dreams and wishes can't include an eating disorder. I still think we should talk again, but I also think that me sending this message out to where you can read it before won't be a bad thing. I got the general idea of what I should do a couple of days ago, but it took me this time to come to terms with it and to realise it's also what I want and need. Or like maybe it's the only reasonable thing I can do. I won't fuck up my life like that again, I truly do hope and want to believe. Or rather, it's what I want to work towards.