My mind is ravaging an endless flow of thoughts today. Most of them just pass through. But one thing I feel like bringing up is that I'm a lot more like Anna when I'm in this state, but I tolerate her less than usually. Now I think she's just an annoying bitch who should shut the fuck up cause I've had it with her insolence nonsense and utter bullshit. I curse more at her, insult her more brutally, but everything I say just runs off her like water on a goose. She's just as mean towards me and somehow it's astonishing to me how we can be so utterly horrible to each other and then just "whatever, coffee and a sandwich on that?"
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
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