Mortal fear

Today's first purge and I'm a mess. Got up more fluid than I thought I had in me. That's gotta be noticeable later, the loss of all that fluid.

I am beyond broken.

And it feels like I just shatter even more for each purge. It is self violating, and more than just awful. I take the caring words that others have said with me to the toilet, shrug and then go ahead and do it. It doesn't matter what anyone says, only what K says and so far, he hasn't said a word about it. I lay my happiness, my life, in his hands, in his words. His words are the only words that matter.

I'm gonna have my blood tests taken tomorrow already and I worry about the result, but mostly I'm curious, in my own fucked up way. I want them to spike through the fucking ceiling. I want for once in my life to not hear that nothing is wrong with me when I feel like utter shit.

That these heart palpitations, chest pains, and headaches, this dizziness, nausea and weakness are not just anxiety making things feel real. I want my potassium hitting rock bottom, I want them to tell me that I'm more than just moderately dehydrated and lack in every single vitamin and mineral. Why am I so fucked up?

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses. I don't know why I just thought of that. But I still don't think it can kill me, cause I have been told so by my hallucination of Satan himself. Suddenly, that sentence made me feel further from sane than I have ever been... Cause yeah, if a hallucination says so! Not.

I'm still struggling with realising that I am in fact a mortal being, I have absolutely no wish to be immortal, I just don't think I can die no matter how much I sometimes want to.

But I believe that the time has come, when I'm starting to realise my own mortality. Maybe a little young for that? I'm just 25 years old, but could die from my eating disorder. I've heard of bulimic's who died of a heart attack from their purging after just a few months of purging. Now, since I'm being supervised/monitored, I'm in contact with doctors and such, I believe I'll have a little longer than that. But I can't know for sure. It scares me, yet I do everything I can to further worsen it.

And maybe, it's possible all those listed physical symptoms that I'm experiencing are just anxiety, mortal fear, catching up with me for real this time. That this disorder is gonna kill me, and that I want it to.