Mess

I failed purging just now. I failed it so miserably. I tried possibly over 20 times before I just gave up. Hit something, cursed, screamed. I'm so fucking disappointed in myself I feel like fucking killing myself. I'm such a failure, can't even purge successfully. My gag reflex doesn't exist. Or, it's very damn weak. You could probably face fuck me for an hour and I wouldn't even gag. I just wish it was a bit more sensitive, you know. That reflex. Instead it takes showing down a fucking fire truck down my throat for anything to come back up. And I'm all out of fire trucks. And efforts. I'm just so damn exhausted, pissed and feeling the hopelessness just rain over me.

I'm tired of living today. Today, life is not worth fighting for. Today my life is so god damn sucky that I wouldn't even trade it with my worst enemy. Cause here, have a mass load of incurable and intolerable anxiety, here have some horribly annoying and distressing eating disorder crap, here have the worst fucking memory of your entire life summed up in tens of neat little flashbacks. Today, I wish I wasn't alive. This day can go and fuck itself.

Fuck, my throat hurts now, and drinking alcohol really gives it that extra sting, you know? I swear a lot, I know that, it's just that today has been really awful and I can't deal with it. My anxiety levels hit the roof, my purging and my whole eating disorder is a joke, I'm dreading Valentine's Day like never before and I'm just... a complete fucking mess.