I know I haven't been writing so much about it lately, but my eating disorder still takes up a lot of time and space in my mind. It's just that I don't have much to say about it, just a lot of thinking. I seem to have actually gained a few kilos (ugh, damn I hate it more than you can imagine, but that's the reality of it) and I'm more than desperate to lose them again. And more, but I guess you already figured that out.
If it's at all possible I'm gonna stay under 400 calories of food for today. I'm still drinking every night (for almost 3 weeks now, except from last Saturday when I ran out of booze) and I don't count my drinks into my daily calorie limits. Although I probably should, cause these fake white russian's must be quite calorific.
I'm gonna try an every other day plan kinda thing, to eat little to no food every other day and eat more the other days. Fast on Saturdays, eat 300-400 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Eat at most 900 on the other days. Mix it around, see if I can get my body to stop fucking up my weight and make me lose some again. It's worth a try... at least I have to start somewhere and no matter how much I want to, I can't shock my body right back down to 500 calories a day.
I've been trying so hard for months now, to get back into downright starvation, but it's just so damn hard. And I literally think I get fatter every day. It's horrible, I'm such a mess, but everyone is so happy that I'm eating more. Well, I'm not! I'm fucking miserable at the weight I am now. Especially since I've gained. I just need a few things: a flat stomach, visible ribs, visible hip bones, a bigger thigh gap, hips visibly more narrow than my shoulders. And I think that is very doable, if I could just stop fucking eating.
Well, I've still never been that thin, so guessing at what weight I will achieve all those things is close to impossible. But I think 44 kg is my ultimate goal weight, cause damn if I don't have all that by then something's definitely wrong with my body. That would probably be the average weight of a 10 year old... But I take it one thing at a time, at first, my stomach just has to get flat. That is my number one priority.
Cause it's so annoying that I have to dress a certain way to hide my belly fat. It's close to traumatising every time I take a shower and I see all that fat. All I see is the fat, yet everyone seems to think that I'm thin. Last time I weighed I was at 56,4 kg and that is just... I don't know, it's a fairly low number, so how come I'm so god damn fat?! And why am I literally the only one who thinks I'm fat? I don't understand my own eating disorder, I really don't.
It just fucks with my head 24/7 and I just have nowhere to turn. My shrink whom I really do like doesn't know much of a daft about it, my dietitian just wants what's best for my body and my doctor is only interested in how it can get better for me if I change for the better. Honestly... I just want to tell them all to fuck off and let me starve myself until I die from malnutrition.
Cause I don't care about getting better. I hate my body beyond anyone's comprehension, I hate it so god damn much. I hate it more than I would normally dare to admit, cause I feel like I'm supposed to like it more now, after having transitioned from female to male. But truth be told, I don't think I've ever hated my body this much before. It's not doing anything right! I want to be thin and handsome, look like a cis-dude would look like at my age, weight and height. But instead, I just feel like I look like an intersexual freak from outer space. Honestly, all I ever want is for it to change. I can't stand it the way it is now. I really can't.
This is just a complain message to you all. I'm really not getting anywhere right now. I'm waiting until the spring or so before I go under the knife again just to be 100% sure that that is what I truly want and need, as what is left of my transition. My starvation isn't going much at all in the for me right direction right now. I'm just making new diet plans that I never manage to follow. But this is an update, and that's really all I wanted to give you.
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