Maybe soon in patient

I should never have started purging. Now look at this mess.

I listen to my suicide playlist, not because I want to die, but because I want to feel something. I fell asleep on the couch again, too tired to physically exist. Now I'm up again, and imagining every possible scenario that could happen if I do decide to go in patient. Everything they could possibly do wrong.

I honestly don't know what good they think it would do to force me there. Or if I would go freely just so that they won't force me.

I don't know what I'll do. Last thing I want is to be force fed. It's literally a recurring nightmare of mine.

I'm scared of the results from my blood tests, scared of how bad they will be, or what the fuck if they are still within the normal range?! I'd suffocate then, feel like a complete failure cause then I obviously can't even purge right. Can't starve right, can't purge right...

I still can't make up my mind, still want to see those results first, cause if they are in the normal range, I so definitely won't go in patient. But if they're completely out of whack, I might consider it. I really don't know what I'll decide for if they're just a little whacky.

I purge every day, I drink every day, I starve every day. My life has literally never been messier but I won't accept any help. Still every essence of me cries out "help me" but I only want help if K tells me I should. I only live for him, I might as well die for him too. But I can't die from him... I can't leave him.

All the time, fucking constantly, people seem to assume and ask if I'm suicidal, and maybe I am, I'm just so damn good at hiding it from myself.

But death scares me, being away from K scares me, further away, that is. I'm already so fucking far away what difference does it make? I'm flickering, shifting fast between wanting to die and wanting to live. I really, I think for the first time now, live on the border between life and death. I balance it carelessly, unable to make a decision.

And I don't know if I wish to be immortal or for this to eventually kill me so I won't have to do it myself. I'm putting suicide out of my hands. It's a god damn fucking relief, to be brutally honest. And now I feel something, all the things there even is a name for.

I'm too young to die, and now I'm just getting all the more sure that I won't live to 30. Eating disorder suddenly, drastically shortened my expected life span. If it wasn't bad already before, I mean. It's just suddenly so damn real and it freaks me out.

I'm just so fucking scared but I don't know of what exactly, cause it isn't stopping me. I get more scared after every time I purge, last time close to tears, yet I keep at it again and again and again. I want it to kill me, but I don't want to die.

The ambivalence is eating me alive. It might be one of the hardest decisions I've ever stood before: live or die. I can't decide. I can't fucking decide so I let my eating disorder decide it for me. But I'm losing control over it and I'm afraid that if the day comes that I decide to live, it will be too late.