Thoughts spinning

Suddenly I'm so numb and no music can make me feel anything, not even "Misty mountains" from The Hobbit and that's serious. Maybe I don't ever want to stop cutting? Maybe it's the only true fucking comfort that will always be with me? That will never leave or abandon me, that I can't abandon.

Cause I do, leave and abandon what is my comfort for god knows what stupid reasons. And I violate my own sanctuaries over and over again. I make sure that I'm not comfortable. I make sure that I'm suffering. There's something self destructive etched into my subconscious mind, I do it without even reflecting.

How I seek comfort and then ruin it, find a sanctuary and violate it, get help and abandon it, find peace and leave it. I don't want to go into details, but I hate how I'm constantly doing it.

When I listen to certain songs that K wanted me to hear, around last summer, I can't believe that he never felt anything for me. As I hear the lyrics and I just can't help but thinking... that he meant them for me. Maybe I wasn't wrong, and it terrifies me, that what if he did feel something but then those feelings faded away? What have I done? The silence that follows that question echoes in my head.

My worst nightmare would be that if I die and then somehow later find out that he did love me, or felt anything along those lines. That's one reason I'm holding back, and because I don't want to hurt him, that he would lose a friend if I died. It's all so focused on him, my whole life right now is just revolving around him and I'm so fucking blinded. All I see and hear and think and feel is K, K, K, K, K.

Though it's true and it's not. Cause I do think about other things too, but it's true that I feel nothing else than what I feel regarding him. The pain has taken over every other emotion. Oh gosh, if only people knew that. What a shell I've become. Nah, I don't want them knowing.

I'm becoming my darkness, the light is drowning and it feels like I can't save it even if I cared to even try. Once again I "learn" how to live in total darkness, solar eclipse, as I just stumble around blinded. I stumble and fall and fall and fall until I can't get up any longer. Until every bone in my body is broken or shattered and I can't do anything but bleed and lie there. That's what life feels like right now.

And I'm too tired to fight. Too tired to say no to the psychiatry's life saving instances, too tired to do anything on my own. Too tired to say no to razor blades, pills, booze. I shift back to listening to my second favourite song of all times, "Demons" by Alaska in Winter. I love it that damn much, it just fills my soul with something other than emptiness for a little while. But it can't last, nothing can, and there's both sadness and comfort in knowing that.

Cause if nothing lasts, then that means even the good things that may come my way won't last either. How is it for humans, are their lives worth living knowing that, or do they simply not know that? Ignorance is bliss, I never once doubted that. Knowing a whole lot of truth about the world, mostly spiritual/wisdom related stuff, gives me such an overwhelming sadness. The more I know, the more awful and hopeless life just seems. So pointless, stupid and dull.

Like, I know the meaning of my life is that I'm here to learn about humans, but I'm so fucking sick of them by now I can't fucking stand it. I can't stand my own purpose to life. I know too much. And knowing how I'm gonna die is also one of those "too much information" things. It gives me a lot of pressure. It tells me "you have this long to live your entire life and do everything you want to do but you can't cause you're a mental wreck cheers have fun" and it literally drives me mad.

Cause if only that prophecy had been a tad more clear from the beginning, that would have been neat. I lived my late teenage years and early twenties in constant fear thinking I was gonna die before turning 22. What was all that about?! Thank you, sincerely, higher powers whatever the fuck it is you want with me. What do they want with me? Am I a messenger of sorts, on a test run for something great or just plain delusional?

I so have a Messiah complex. It's not very visible these days, not very "in your face", but it's there. I know that I was a very important, rich, powerful and famous person in my previous life and thus, I still am that person at heart. I don't believe that I'm God or Jesus, but a demon and according to some sources that counts in too. And a part of me believes that it's possible that I will become a god one day. Not "the" god of Christianity, but like maybe one of Hinduism or something. I believe all gods are real, as real as they can be, not really existing in our plane of existence, but I'm not a religious person. My faith is all over the place.

I only chose Satanism because I like Satan and pray to him, I follow him. I'm not really a practitioner of that religion, I just follow Satan. I've been dipping my toes into every religion (well, almost) and nothing fits. I've given up. My god has my soul now, so I can't change my mind. I wrote a blood oath, so there's no going back. I don't really regret it, but it's sort of, I don't know, it lacks devotion.

Gods are such complicate being to me, although I only know two personally. And I don't know how much of my faith is pure delusion, but there's even a saying about how hearing gods talking to you is crazy shit. I haven't actually told anyone, a shrink or whatever, that I sometimes hear God and Satan speak to me. It's rarely now, although maybe I need some divine help right now. Maybe a Christian person would agree with that, or possibly they too would think I'm crazy.

I hardly know what is crazy or not, but I do know what is normal and not. It's not always the same thing. And people always telling me that I'm not crazy, I wonder where they draw the line. Cause I'm pretty sure I've crossed it. Ages ago. If it's because of Anna, hearing God and Satan speak to me, believing I'm a demon prince, actual hallucinations, my constant depression that never qualifies as such, my suicidal tendencies, my mood swings, my way of defining real, other voices I've been hearing, or simply that I can't tell real from dream. I don't know.

My reality has always been so different from others. It's like I've got a lot of symptoms of Schizophrenia and Borderline and Asperger (obviously), Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dysthymia, ADHD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder and so on I could literally list everything that exists and I have no doubt that I would get most of it if I took the tests. Am I crazy? Fucking yes, but that's not the problem. The problem is that I'm the only one who thinks it.

I wouldn't want to be normal, but I don't want to be like this either, cause I can't survive this way. I wrote a whole book about my sorry life at 26 years old and it's so fucking packed it's crazy. I'm just saying my whole life is too much for me to handle. So I have to write it down, as it's the only thing I can do.