Exhausted

I almost got to school too late today as I lost track of time, but made it there at least, just about 10 minutes too late. Then I was exhausted when I got back home again despite that the only thing I did, literally the only thing, was sitting down and listening to people talk and play music. I didn't even sing along when I was supposed to during the ceremony, or what to call it.

Then I went grocery shopping (yeah, the usual pre-packed meals and soda) and then I fixed my nails. Now I'm so tired I can barely think. Also, I'm almost finished with my autobiography now, as I've started poking it around a bit and I realise it won't take that long to fix it up. It's 15 core chapters or what to call them, that covers the timeline of my life and then there will probably be tops 5 more, random chapters. So it won't be all that long, this second book of mine. I haven't counted the words yet, but my guess is maybe around 80 thousand when I'm all done? I really don't know, could be less but probably not more.

I'm still hurting, but I think I've gotten into yet another type of almost denial phase, pretending that everything is fine, but shatter under the surface. I'm still capable of keeping a straight face most of the time. I've actually only broken down 3 times since it all started. Right after the first video chat, during the second one and at my contact person's office. Otherwise I'm just stone face, not showing much at all.

So I'm at least somewhat stable, I guess. I actually have an appointment with her as soon as tomorrow but I'm not sure what to say. That I've started cutting every day again, perhaps, but what more that she doesn't already know? Am I just going to those meetings to keep everyone updated? I don't think that they can help.

Talking so rarely helps me. It can if it's special, but not for very long in that case. A few hours, sometimes just a few minutes.

Have I mentioned the only word from Dala that I remember? It's "sili" which means star and is pronounced like "seelee" kinda. My initials were S.I.L. before I changed my name. Coincidence? I think not. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in fate.

I smack my own face over and over until it stings from the impact just to stay awake. It's self harm too and I know I probably shouldn't do it, although it's pretty harmless. I've only been hit in the face by another person once in my life and that was me begging for it as a part of a sexual act. How fucked up isn't that?

Okay I can't find more words to write now, so this will have to be it. Hang on a sec, I just figured why I'm so exhausted all the time: because I barely get any sleep! 3 to 5 hours a night is next to nothing... oh, well.