Already drowning

I still dream of a better world, I still dream of Dala. For sleep to take me there someday. Permanently. I still wish that when I close my eyes and go to sleep I won't wake up the next day in this world anymore. Is that being suicidal, or just incredibly sad?

Ty arande fallana note ado kondare zolame, ty arande fallana note Dala. Sal dorshe ra ridave ty harou kashdavon. Alash. Ty arande iska har hir ty vorzem ty shodam any sembre dorshe ty iska skave eshrod argade ikre hir zolame sanaro. Wilny har rozny zuladire, rin lakane hafarene mozir?

I'm giving you a short piece of text translated to my fake language. I don't know why. I create more words but I don't know how to use them, like I kinda like that I thought of a single word for "soul pain" for example. It's "umvashim" which is half the word for soul that is "karashim" and half the word for pain in general wish is "umvalene". I do that a lot, combine words that sort of belong together, but also when they don't obviously belong together like madness translates to "dorshim" which directly translates to sick soul.

I'm just at the peak of my creativity, and sadly, I think it's because I'm generally feeling like shit. Heartbreak really does spur my creativity. It's the only good thing about it. I was gonna write about my stay at the ward and then about coming back home again, but it bores me and I'd rather rant about my fake language, which by the way is called Ztrakadia.

That word also means feeling, as it's sort of a feeling/emotional language, it's meant to describe what I can't in Swedish and English, when or if I get that far into it that I can use it fluently and won't have to rifle through my home made dictionary like crazy to translate English texts.

I'm slowly getting better at it and can actually already form entire sentences completely without aid. Like just yesterday I said "ty folmende wilny ikre vodazh" and knew it meant "my home is in the shadows" without any fault. So yeah, slowly getting there. Or maybe that's rather quick, considering I thought of the first word of my language just a few days ago? And now I have probably somewhere around a hundred words.

Mostly I'm trying to start with learning the very common words like I, you, she, he, they, is/am/are, be, but, that, this, of, if, for and so on. Basically the base/foundation of the language and all the other words just built on after that. It's been a long time since I last tried to create a language, I was about 11-13 back then and tried to re-create the language of Dala that I had forgotten. It didn't go all too well. Now I only remember one word from it and of course I just had to "borrow" it to Ztrakadia, which is "sili" that means star. That's the only thing the language of Dala has in common with Ztrakadia.

I'm getting to the point where I don't know if a new word I create has already been created or not, and going through the whole dictionary to find out if it is so is too much of a hassle. I'm just hoping I haven't made double meanings for all too many words already.

Basically that's all I do, create words and then put them in the same order as I would if I was writing in English, with only small differences here and there where it's more like Swedish. Sometimes I fuse together words that make a phrase or what to call it, like "in love with" simply becomes zeterene. It's the same in Swedish as that phrase becomes "kär". So yeah. I borrow things from both languages.

The pronunciation just sort of became very much like Swedish kind of by accident. I like it that way however. I think it almost sounds a little like some kind of dark elvish with hints of Russian but since I don't know any of those for real, what can I know. Maybe if I one day actually learn Russian as I've been meaning to I'd think it's embarrassing that I once thought Ztrakadia has traits of it?

However, it does keep me awfully busy at times and it's hard to let go of. I can sit for hours and work with it, thinking that I'm getting nowhere when in fact I'm learning it fast. I'm glad that I'm a fast learner, even incredibly fast if it's about something interesting. Just don't let go if it, don't get bored with it now... I need something light in my darkest hours.

I'm back to pining after Caspian since K obviously doesn't want me. He hasn't said so, but I doubt it. I've gotten some very vague hints though, but hush, I can't even know if those were real hints and he is in a relationship now. Ty movinde sir kara hindere har sir iska ty any lor. See what I did there? I can write down my secrets and still keep them secret. Oh, but it's not his secret or anything, it's still my own. Still wouldn't utter his secrets no matter in what language but complete silence.

At the ward, I drew a picture of Caspian, however, as close to the clearest picture I have in my head as I possibly could. And every time I look at it it stings in my soul. But I know, that although I lost him, he still is somewhere out there and he still loves me. Endlessly, unconditionally, just like I wanted in this life but never could have. And it comforts me, somehow, to know that somewhere beyond the stars there is a perfect man who loves me that much. I just need to find him again.

Not actively searching, cause most likely he's not here in this reality, reincarnated like me, but much further away. He still haunts me sometimes and I gasp out of breath in my sleep when he steals it away in a kiss that I can no longer physically feel. Sometimes I miss him so much I almost cry myself to sleep. Cause I still can't cry. Sleep. He's often connected to my sleep somehow, as if his ghost lingers in the world in between. Between the awake and the sleeping world.

I miss the darkness so I close the blinds and pretend that it's night already. This world is for young souls, isn't it? Or maybe not all ancients like me grow so weary of it? I'm still trying to figure out if K is in fact Caspian reincarnated but he just can't be for so many reasons. 1, he doesn't remember me or Dala at all. 2, different personality. 3, different looks (but it doesn't have much to do with it since I've obviously changed looks quite radically myself, but Caspian looked more human so yeah I don't know). And probably more things I can't think of right now.

But of course, some things make me wonder. Like, it's actually, maybe possible that K was an elf in a past life. And he gives me the same vibes somehow, like maybe his aura or something anything I don't know could be similar to Caspian's? I don't know, it's just a feeling. And I can't stop comparing them. The love of my life and the love of my entire existence. And if you would ever dare ask me... of course Caspian comes first if I was obliged to choose for whatever reason.

I've loved Caspian for longer than I have lived, that love reached beyond death and into a my third life. He is my one and only if there is such a thing. Of course I can't stop looking for him. I try, sometimes, to move on and fall for other people, but it's like he still has his place in my heart and soul and I can't ever possibly move on no matter what I do. Although, I might not have tried all that hard. Cause I don't want to let go of him.

What I want is that when I die, to meet him and cry in his arms for an eternity cause I've missed him for a lifetime. I don't know if I'll ever move on from K, or if he will in fact be the end of me, literally, I still don't know that. It scares me, knowing that my life still is in his hands. I never wanted for it to become that way, I never wanted to fall so deeply, so carelessly. But it is what it is and I can't do anything about that now. Love keeps tearing me apart and I know, right now that I will die of one of these two reasons: because I can't be with K or because I just want to return to Caspian.

Love still drives me to suicide. Love will kill me, either way. I'm still hanging by a thread and I still don't really want to live. I'm still drowning and I don't think there's anything anyone can do to "save" me. Not this time. I've heard it all before. But I know there's only one way that I can die and I know that I have to suffer through this at least one more year. I have to turn 27 years old cause that's my perfect age.

I still believe in stupid prophecies but look at it this way: what if it can make me hold on for an entire year before I actually, really try to kill myself and will succeed? I know it's my fate and I can't possibly escape it. All the time, people have told me that I can escape it, but I just can't see how. I just don't believe it. I know that I will die by my own hand, I know how and what time but I don't know exactly when. I don't even know during which season, but likely spring or summer 2016 or 2017.

Most likely 2016. There won't be any more good years for me. 2015 is odd and it sucks, 2016 I will die, so it can't be a good year either. And maybe the saddest thing is, that I felt it so strongly, that 2014 was the best year of my life. It's sad, cause it really didn't turn out that great.

My sadness eats me alive. It's been what, a few hours since I got out from the ward and I'm already drowning? I don't want to go back there, I'd rather down myself in alcohol and stay where I am. I don't have that much booze left and the store is closed until Monday. It will have to do somehow.

Anyway, I plan to bleach my hair again on Sunday or tomorrow if I can't wait cause it's been 2 weeks again. Hopefully get it white this time. If I don't, I might try to dye it in a golden/reddish tone to even out the green like an opposite white toner or something. I don't know. I'm currently kinda dying in my apartment, something's wrong with the heater and it got warmer when I tried to lower the temperature so now I unplugged it. I guess that's all I wanted to say for today.