Falling

I'm shut off, so completely shut off, I can't feel a thing. Pretending to have gone to bed because I told them that I would. I don't know how much Theralen I just took, about 30 ml I think, I might not wake up for a couple of days or so. I hope I won't ever wake up again. I'm listening to The Goo Goo Dolls "Iris" but think there's something wrong with my headphones.

I had another video chat with K and his partner, but my webcam didn't want to work, so they couldn't see me. Good for all 3 of us, cause I kept on drinking Theralen and I even cut myself while they were kissing right in front of me. I'm gonna die, I just know I'm gonna die internally.

I can't fucking breathe, can't stop rocking myself, I can neither cry nor scream. It's 4:30 and now I know that I want to die. I still haven't told them, but soon I have to, or I will kill myself. Cause I can't handle this, I'm broken everywhere and everything hurts so horribly much there... there just aren't any words for it.

Right now, it's likely that I'll try killing myself with Theralen any time from now to never. I'm just shards and shatter and I can't even breathe right. I'm falling, I fall and I land so hard.

I tried to shut my eyes, turn my face away, every time they kissed, but it was hard to time it and I still got glimpses of it. I don't know what to do, I don't want to live. No, the Theralen I just took is not enough to kill me, just enough to sedate me for the rest of the morning and possibly a few more hours, but won't do more damage than that, probably not even that much.

I can't keep up that much longer now, but I'll be back tomorrow. I just... I don't know what to say. Don't worry too much, I still don't plan anything. But it's weekend now, I have to survive the weekend or possibly call the psychiatric department tomorrow. If I'm awake early enough to call them. I don't know. I can almost imagine myself crying, screaming and rocking myself at a psychiatric ward... uh, I don't want to, but maybe I have to. I'm falling so fast.