Hold me back

Today I'm not quite empty, not quite feeling either. On the constant verge of breaking down, but something holds me back. It's warm outside and the spring is here, but it's still winter in my soul since 2011 and I will always feel like it's winter around me as well. I went to buy cigarettes not long ago and only wore a black tank top under my leather coat, with black skinny jeans and my new shoes. I wasn't cold, generally, but my fingers were, despite the fact that I wore gloves.

Sadness still pulls me down deep, but I can manage, somehow. By blocking it all out and waiting for a miracle to happen. I feel like getting drunk and high for no reason, so I mix Theralen with vodka and hope for the best. Worst case scenario: I'll just fall asleep. Since both alcohol and that type of drugs get me tired. Normally I wouldn't draw in either state or in a mix of the two, but these days I just don't care.

Drawing... isn't it all just lines and blotches of colour on a piece of paper? Who cares if I drunk drive my pen until it gets so damn weird that no one can understand it? Okay, I'm slightly tipsy and drugged by now and I'm drawing a blue tentacle monster thingy. Needed a break from that and now I'm re-reading my "Lost in paradise" story. The one about Dala, me, Caspian and Kazanndra. I'm about to take more Theralen as I'm getting tired of booze.

I don't know if I'm editing, as much as I just want to know what the story really is about as I've forgotten that since I wrote it. I'm thinking about continuing with it, as I've not been able to let the thoughts of Dala go lately. It's not entirely true, that written story, as I've added things that I don't remember. I did that because I don't have an actual story to tell from my past life. I needed a consistent storyline to tell in that environment based on my real memories, so that's what it is.

I know, that the phrase "lost in paradise" has a second meaning, that it's an expression of sorts too. And somehow I think that fits, I really am lost in paradise.
I am full of echoes, reminders of various pasts. Of Dala and of K, completely separate and smashed together. The feelings are similar, thoughts are jumping back and forth. I don't know if I'll ever be able to continue writing that story. It hurts. It hurts to remember, and it also hurts that no one will believe that it was all real to me.

How crazy am I? To believe in such a fairytale? To believe it so blindly that I'd literally sacrifice my life to get back there, I know that I will one day. I have wanted to, almost every day since I was about 4 years old and the memories came back to me. Was life better before I was able to remember Dala? How can I know, I was only 4 years old. And I don't remember threatening people at daycare to end my life, but apparently I did.

I don't know how I figured it out, that death could possibly bring me back to Dala, at that young age, but I was a pretty smart kid.

And now I'm keeping a constant high of Theralen, just keep drinking those drops like crazy. I can't focus on anything right now, except from writing poems, but just barely. I have too much grief on my mind, for both Dala and K, and somehow only Evanescence's song can capture that strange mix of emotions. I'm barely hanging on, I don't know what to do.