Care

My contact person was so annoying today at our meeting. Or maybe I was the one who was annoying? She thought I should see more people more often which I flat out refused. She tried to make me find other methods besides cutting and I refused. If I could just make up my mind or have it my way I would see a lot less of her and more of my awfully busy psychologist. Maybe I in the future won't book meetings with her so very often, like only the weeks I don't see my psychologist or something.

I shift to dark and don't give a damn about the world. It disgusts me, people disgust me. She kept talking about how humans are and included me as such so damn many times that halfway through I wanted to just yell that I'm not a fucking human. Instead I whispered it in English when she had her back turned. I don't think she heard or noticed it. I'm so tired of people just coldly repeating that I'm human as if it was a damn fact. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

But why would they believe me? I'd just come off as delusional. And maybe I am, I don't know, but all I know is that there is a form that makes most people humans, and I don't fit into it. I'm different, and that much everyone who really knows me also know. But to go as far as agreeing I'm not human? No one has.

What am I then? I'm a demon reincarnated. My body is of course without a doubt human, but my soul isn't and they're chafing awfully when put together. I'm mentally divided from my body, so to the point that I constantly feel like a stranger in it. It doesn't feel like my body cause the real me isn't human. Never was, never has been. So if it's a delusion, it's been with me all my life.

And I just long to be with K. I want nothing to do with anyone else. Not even my closest friends. I break apart and I can't put myself back together. Damn, that meeting just tore me up even more. I know she's just trying to help but she goes about it all wrong and is it that wrong of me to want to strangle her half the time?

I don't know, I don't know what to do. It's like I can't explain it either as I only have two options in that office: 1) yell at her or 2) shut the fuck up. I usually go with number 2. It's more polite, more reasonable, but I'm breaking into pieces and soon I won't go there anymore. So tired of her shit and I don't care about how shitty my own life is. I don't care anymore. I don't care about getting better and I don't know how to tell anyone that.