Hidden wishes

And as I look back, try to piece my past together, I find myself going through my old clothes and putting them on with the wig. Ripped pantyhose in black and pink, a black and white pvc skirt with laces, my ripped fishnet shirt and another fishnet tank top over it, a stuffed purple bra and black shoes. Wishing that I had a black wig again, thinking of buying one. Who am I?

Am I lost in old habits that I can't move on from, the denial phase, and do I miss presenting as female when I was free to dress however I wanted (almost)? Did I shave off my beard only so that I could drag better? I do it far more often lately, almost once a week. Want to go out like this, like a gothic doll in revealing clothes. Although I can't do the cleavage thing anymore. No, fuck I don't want my boobs back, I'd much rather wear fake ones if any at all.

But I'm so confused, suddenly, about my gender, as I'm almost certain that a part of me actually misses presenting as female. It's been 5 years, I thought I knew who I was by now. I don't regret anything of my transition, I'm still a guy and I love how testosterone changed my body's appearance, and top surgery saved my life and I love my new chest. It's not that, it's that I miss wearing skirts and dresses, lots of make-up and having feminine hairstyles. I feel... trapped by society's norms and ideas of what a man is supposed to be like.

I don't want to hide either way I'm going. Like, back when I just started transitioning, or right before, that denial phase, I was scared of presenting as male. And now it's the exact opposite way around: I'm scared of presenting as female. It's something that is inside me, that I simply can't deny, apparently. Would people ever take me seriously if I dress up in drag in public? Or would it just be a silly game for them?

Also, if I show up like this in public, I could get hurt, if it's the wrong public. I've been thinking of doing it in Uppsala, when I get there hopefully this summer. Just pick an outfit, wig and make-up to bring and find a decent party somewhere. With or without my friends. It could be interesting to go alone, see if I'd pass as female after a close shave, lots of make-up, a better looking wig and a nicely stuffed bra. Or I'd do it half assed on purpose, not wanting to fully pass as female. Look like the dude in drag that I actually am. Leave the scruff, pack my underwear and not wear a stuffed bra.

It's a thought, and I believe it's worth holding on to. If I go with friends, I'd be more safe, unless I can find an lgbt-party somewhere. Places aren't usually packed with parties during summer time, so yeah. It could be hard to find a decent one, if any at all. I want a black wig, and possibly I'd do something fancy with it. Cut a fringe, curl it or I don't know. Keep my nails long, paint them red. Wear red lipstick and red pantyhose to cover up my hairy legs since I don't want to shave them. Might shave my armpits though, that I could do.

But I still don't understand. Why I can't let go of my past, the full time drag queen days. I want back what was good about them. How good-looking and hot I felt wearing those clothes and that make-up. I sort of thought of myself as a pretty looking girl. I've never once thought of myself as a handsome guy. I guess some people don't have it in them, they just can't look good as both genders. But I'm not giving up my true identity just because I never feel handsome in it.

I believe that day will come though, when I've been able to move on and give myself enough time and reasons to like myself. I think it could come with age, I'm almost close to being there. Or well, I'm far from it, but I'm close enough to believe that one day it can happen.

So yeah, however, I'm a closet transgender male to female as well as that I've transitioned from female to male. It confuses me a lot. Do I want to be female? Heck no! I only want to dress up as one. I know that doesn't make me any less transsexual, or that it would somehow mean that I suddenly woke up mtf one day. I don't know what it means, but something just isn't right about it.

It disturbs me, and that I can't figure it out. Cause my wish to dress up like this... I don't know, but I think it goes deeper than it somehow seems.