Nothing left but pain

So, I finally got outside of my apartment to buy what needed to be bought. I hadn't left my apartment in 6 days. The amount of how hopeless everything still feels is beyond my comprehension. Or maybe it isn't, I don't know.

After this night I just can't shake the feeling. We talked as if no time had passed although it had been over 2 months. I was upset, angry at him, hurt and broken but hid it well. I can't let him know, I don't want it to burden him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

I still don't know what I would say if he ever asks me why I feel like shit, cause somehow it feels tactless to say "because you broke my heart". During our conversation, all I could think about was how much I wanted to die. Neither of them seem to have figured it out and I'm scared to say anything. I just don't feel like ruining the few friendships that I still have.

It could put a strain on our relationships, me and him and her. It's an awful trio, to be honest. But if I meet up with them in real life again this summer, which I plan to do, I might have to tell them both. Cause I'd fucking shatter and not be capable of keeping a straight face if I see them snogging again. I'd cry, get breathing difficulties, rock myself, anything along those lines.

I lose my track and vanish into thoughts. Stay underground and blend in with every sound.

Today has been nothing but pain. Is there nothing left but pain? I used that phrase in my book, somewhere in the middle or second half of it. It's actually from a song by Edge of Dawn called "Beauty lies within" and I listened to it a lot when I wrote my book. I sometimes feel that way too, not just my characters, but within myself, about myself.

I get stuck in moments, unable to move or see what I'm looking at. Staring blankly, a gazeless stare into nothingness. I'm just withering ashes, the fire went out and left me cold, so very cold. It's in the contrast you know, that suddenly without the heat, everything becomes its opposite.

My mirtazapine overdose last night didn't do a shit. I don't know what else to take. Might buy booze tomorrow, just a big bottle of vodka and down it all in just one night. Or well, maybe about a third of it would be more reasonable, or at least more doable.

But I don't know what to do today. I might have a few lergigan left, more mirtazapine, some mood stabilisers and that's about it. But I really liked the 5 zyprexa and 3 citodone combination, it was nice and kinda warm. But now I'm completely out of citodone, it had lasted me for 5 years. But everything has an ending, even the best pills I've ever had.

Words and phrases randomly pop up in my head as I stare blankly between sentences. I sigh, but don't know why. I'm trying to watch a movie. I can't focus for two seconds. Same with drawing, same with WoW, same with everything. It's all so dull and hopeless. I can't resist my thoughts spinning endlessly until I forget how to breathe.

I need a medication that works and a vacation from my own mind. The closest thing to that except from dying that I can conclude would be deep sleep, but even that is rare these days. My nights are as hectic as my days, filled with dreams and tossing and turning. I fall asleep late and wake up early. Sometimes I crash in the sofa mid day but only momentarily.

I have nothing to be awake for, yet I'm more often awake than I'm asleep. Maybe 8 hours a night is normal for most people, but 10-14 hours is more normal for me. Gonna try school tomorrow, if I'm not too much of a mess. I might isolate again. Just unplug everything and stay inside my head. Lock the door and stuff away the key, like I did with my heart.

The fire that once consumed it left wounds and they hurt so much. I'd rather burn for real than feel this pain. I've experienced extreme physical pain as well as extreme mental pain. Pain is all I am. I'd take the physical any day if I had the choice. Yes, I can choose to inflict physical pain but that wouldn't be an exchange, only a short moment's relief but it can't take the real pain away. It's just not enough and hardly makes anything better, or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

I don't know how to end this blog entry because it just keeps on and on. It never stops, it never rests, or it hasn't for days now, and last night's endeavors just made it even worse. I'll try to sleep in a few hours or so, but I don't know what to do until then. I'm afraid I broke through my sleeping pills and the effect wore of. There wasn't that much of an effect to begin with though.

And I'm a text book example of heartbreak, the symptoms are so alike for those falling in love: loss of appetite, sleeping difficulties, can't focus, spacing out, and even heart palpitations. But I've got more: I've got pain so strong it's close to physical, constantly close to tears but still can't cry, storms and screams raging inside me that I refuse to let out and a restlessness that knows no end. "Anxiety" just doesn't quite describe it, but I use it as an excuse or an explanation to why I feel the way I do.

It's so much more, so much worse, when I have a real reason to feel like shit and not just randomly feel like shit. Cause when it's real... it hits hard and I can't deal. Tonight, I can't even draw, even though I'd very much like to. I'm working on a new piece of art of the orc shaman and previous warchief of the horde, Thrall, in you know which game by now. I wanted to draw a male character and was a bit tired of blood elves.

But the lines on the paper seem so long and repetitive, so ordinary, so boring. And Anna isn't helping either, as she keeps reminding me of how useless art really is. I know it's not, but today I believe it is useless. It serves no purpose, has no actual function other than to be pretty, interesting or both. It's not like I'm making something that I can actually use. It's just lines on a piece of paper, how can I even call myself productive?

When it's not even helping with the feelings anymore. They drown me, burn me, cut me into tiny pieces and devours me all at once. I feel literally crippled by my own feelings by now. They make sure that I can't function in this crappy society that I don't give a fuck about. I mean, it took me 6 days to go to the grocery store. I can only manage school one, tops two days a week.

I almost started crying there. I still can't. It just stings in my eyes for a few seconds before it's gone. And everything is gone for my life escaped me. I can't find comfort, the storm is too intense. I'm grasping at straws, trying to find anything anything anything that could help me through this. But there's nothing here. And I miss the emptiness because it didn't ever harm me.

Take away my feelings, I don't want them anymore. Just numb me out, empty me, make me hollow for I miss the space. I miss Dala and K more, but emptiness would be better than this, anything would be better than this. And my thoughts of K still haunt me, like ghosts. In them I'm seeing pictures, vivid pictures of me leaning my head against his warm chest, feeling his hair slightly touch my face, his fingers entwined with mine. It pains me so deeply that that will never ever come true. I can't stand eternity without his touch. I can't even stand just this night without it.