Still kinda holding on

It's been an alright day. I've been listening to music, mostly Melody Club and DDT. Then I went shopping in the centre of the village where a few stores are (surprisingly) still running. I bought hair bleach, nail polish, a new paper diary (I have just as many as suicide attempts now), a couple of pens, a paper clip thingy, more food and more cigarettes. I needed menthol cigarettes to deal with the aftertastes of both Imovane and Theralen that are bitter and veeery long lasting. Up to over 24 hours.

I took Imovane last night as well, I don't remember when or why, but I didn't do it as an attempt to die, only to sleep. I must have crashed on my sofa because that's where I woke up a few hours later. And I must have been sleepwalking again cause I was wearing different clothes, arranged in a strange order, but I have no memory of it. Now I'm out of Imovane again and probably won't get new ones for quite a while.

I have been told that I'm very well welcome back to the psychiatric ward whenever I want/need to. So that's good to know. I have some preparations left to do, like shaving, showering, packing what I want to bring, wait for the pens to show up and what not. So far I've fixed my hair like I planned to and I'm just in the middle of fixing my nails. I paint them in my new, light pink, shimmering polish. They look like fake nails but they're real. I get comments about that, so yeah.

And Anna is still a bitch. Right now she just sent me pictures of me putting my hands into a meat grinder. Thank you, I sincerely needed that. I have this sensation that because I'm feeling down, she gets down too and that's why things get so messy between us lately. It's not making it any better, this whole situation with my hopeless heart. She does that often lately, by the way, sending me pictures in my mind somehow. Like she's transferring her own thoughts or I don't know. Suddenly it just flashes before my eyes and she's cackling in the background. She's having fun, I'm definitely not.

I run out of words, but I'm gonna try to go to bed soon. Seems a friend of mine is possibly suicidal too. I care, but at the same time I kinda don't. I don't believe that they're gonna commit suicide, they've joked about it before. But what is it about really, why suddenly so many are having such a hard time around me? Is it contagious or something?

I don't know, I just feel weird. Now I'm just sitting and staring cause I have too much anxiety to move. Just sit here and listen to music from Silent Hill, game or movie I'm not sure.