A new way to bleed

I still get sky high anxiety that sort of makes me "lock" and I can't even move for minutes. I just sit still trying to claw my way out of my own mind and reach for my razor blade, pills, booze, cigarettes or Theralen. I don't know what's going on, if it's something else than anxiety or if I'm just tired.

I'm slowly becoming more and more apathetic. I don't rock myself as much anymore, I'm not able to. All I can do is sit or lie down and stare when it gets like that. But I always manage to snap out of it, sooner or later. But the thing is, how do I even manage those random spurs of total apathy? What if I get stuck that way?

I finally managed to get some sleep this night, but it was full of exhausting dreams. I chased after K in them, I was stuck in psychiatric wards with weird and horrible rules and then I also dreamed about sleepwalking and cutting off my long nails. I woke up scared of that last thing being true but was relieved when I saw that my nails were intact.

I'm gonna need to bring my arm warmers, cause I ain't showing people my wounds at the ward. I don't know why, but somehow I find that being a very private thing. Fuck, I just got stuck like that again, for 15 minutes this time. It was horrible, but I could move a little, like blinking and swallowing. Until I just used all the force I could possibly summon and reached for a cigarette. First I went for the razor blade but then I thought that a cigarette is better. Oh my god, I'm so tired. That was so exhausting. How can sitting completely still be so exhausting? Because I was locked inside my own mind and I know of no scarier place.

It's a little bit hard to focus on anything right now as I'm still sort of coming out of it. 45 minutes later... yeah. I'm trying to just let the music soothe me combined with some chain smoking. I'm scared of getting stuck like that again. I don't quite have all my strings attached, it could happen. I feel like I'm close to it and have to keep myself busy, but I don't know how. I took some Theralen, and I'm up at 1 ml now. It's making me feel sick, I probably can't up the dose more without puking. I have to smoke menthol cigarettes and focus real hard to not puke.

Something I've learned on the way through overdosing in the past, how not to puke. It's not always successful of course, but it helps. So anyway, I'm hoping Theralen will help me stay focused on not ending up in that state again. Well, not today at least. Anyway, I think that's all I can think of right now. I'll get back to you when my words get back to me.