Long term effects

I immerse myself in my autobiography to escape my real emotions. I escape into my past to not having to deal with the present. Back in 2007 when I was 17-18 and things were significantly worse and messier. One of the worst years of my life, but I don't mind digging through old diaries from that time and writing some kind of summary from them on my computer. I've missed being able immerse myself in bigger writing projects, such as my autobiography which I've been working on, on and off, since I was 13. And writing in Swedish isn't as boring as I thought it would be.

I still listen to sad songs on absolute max volume and I only lower the volume when I'm about to fall asleep. I never turn the music off, except from during school. I feel more empty than ever, it echoes inside me for every breath I take, my heartbeats echo, my thoughts echo. I feel absolutely nothing at all except from this constant, inexplicable, heavy weight hanging over me. I'm tired and restless at the same time, can't stop taking Theralen, drinking coffee, booze and smoking more than usually.

I still draw but now I write more. I'm working on, as a side project kind of, an abstract drawing of random swirls, circles and lines in gradient colours. I'm gonna order a mass load of pens by next Monday when I get more money again as my pens are dying again and the list is just getting longer to what I need.

Yes, I'm getting into some kind of denial phase here. Just pretending that everything is fine. And for moments, it is. I'm just so damn tired and coffee doesn't seem to help. Maybe Imovane is still rumbling in my blood stream or something. I took it a little late.

(The following is to be read with caution, as it's graphic details about me you might not want to know, but if you do, I can assure you it has a good point and it's not just me rambling about the trauma)

My drawings in my old diaries are so strong. I can barely even look at them, how awful they are. In the one I'm holding right now, I've drawn with a ballpoint pen, a picture of me as a girl getting raped by that guy with the text "happy valentines day" written in the lower right corner. I drew it about 5 months after it happened and I know the picture is very accurate. I've drawn everything in detail except from his face which is just lines blending in with his hair. I don't know why I drew it, maybe I didn't want to forget, maybe it was some obscure way of dealing with it.

Maybe I just wanted to rape myself over and over because some people do that. I write about that too, how I seek similar situations to repeat it over and over again. I still do that. Last time I had sex, for example. When I found a much older guy on Cruiser to basically use me and abuse me. I wanted it of course, but I'm pretty sure that I have a very fucked up view on sex. As I constantly shift between that repeating the assault in an almost sex addict kind of way, and being completely repulsed by sex and close to asexual. There is no in between. I'm either a maniac in bed or I'm not in bed at all.

Maybe this is TMI and maybe I'm breaking the new rules of this website now, but isn't it important to also talk about what abuse can do to you in the long run? Not many do talk about that. How it makes me a complete idiot when it comes to physical intimacy, a risk to myself at times and possibly even a risk to others. How I can go from being overly sexually active in any way I possibly can, banging anyone that has a pulse doing anything that is risky and thrilling including bdsm games without safe words or having trad sex without protection... to shutting myself off completely, barely even hugging people for years at a time.

I'm a wreck sexually, and I don't think it will ever become a healthy thing for me. I haven't talked about that with anyone. I mean, I have mentioned it, but no one has been willing to discuss it. Did it never matter because I wasn't in a relationship with most of all those people I fucked, or did it not matter because I was lucky at all times and didn't get any diseases, pregnant or hurt in a way other than the mental? Or was it just too shameful?

I might mention it to my newest contact person, she who is so damn annoying all the damn time, simply because she doesn't seem to find it that embarrassing to talk about. Also, she might understand, now that she knows about the rape. I might vaguely mention that the trauma when I was 9 also was of sexual nature, when I'm at it. Cause she's asked me about everything you can possibly have an addiction for, and sex addiction came up rather recently. She asked me how often I whack off and I told her the truth. Then I realised maybe that's more than average? I don't know, testosterone still makes too horny for my liking.

So maybe I could mention my fucked up view on sex and such relationships, and tell her that I could have been classified as a sex addict in the past. And I blame the rape almost ridiculously much for that. How it's just either "use and abuse" or "don't come near me" for me. Hmm, that summed it up much better than I thought it would.

I can't solve that issue on my own. My only way of "solving" my sex manic episodes is by going into some kind of celibacy. I once watched a movie called "Mysterious skin", it's fairly new maybe 5 years old or so, and it really made me start thinking about this for real. It's about two men who were sexually abused as young children (maybe they were about 7, I don't remember) and while one of them is a sex worker and is constantly ending up in dangerous such situations, the other one is completely asexual and has never had sex. And it's so weird how I am like both those two, but in periods.

That movie was very traumatising for me to watch, but I did learn a lot about myself from seeing it. At first I couldn't understand it, since I've literally always had a very fucked up view on sex and what it was supposed to even be there for. Always, until I realised it must have come to me after that first childhood trauma when I was 9. Damn, it fucked me up on so many levels, I never again knew the difference between right and wrong.

But most of how it fucked me up I've now been able to slowly restore over time, but not the sex part. It still has my whole world view changed, and I believe, for forever. I wish there was something I could do about it, if I could find the right partner or something. But as long as I'm alone and miserable, I'll probably keep being either completely repulsed by sex for ages or go looking for creeps online to take advantage of me.

Right now, and for about 2 years now, I've been in and am in some kind of celibacy where sex repulses me and damn, I can't even stand seeing pictures of nude people. The gifs on tumblr are the worst and I keep unfollowing people left to right because of it. It's not that I don't... uhm, "react" but rather that I'm repulsed by my own reaction. I identify more as asexual now than I ever have before, as I have no wish to be with anyone else, barely even K. Barely even K.

But it still lingers in my thoughts, that a part of me wants to go looking for creeps again. It's getting harder to find such people the further I get into my transition from female to male. At least as long as I still look like something in between male and female. I obviously can't go looking for straight men anymore, and gay men might need some convincing which I wouldn't be able to do, mentally. That leaves the bisexual, the experimental and the pansexual.

But I should perhaps find another website than Cruiser, as K is there and I don't want him seeing me chasing after creepy men to take advantage of me. Not my most glorious moments. Although I wouldn't lie to him if he figured it out and asked me what the fuck on Earth I'm doing. But I know that I really shouldn't. I know that. But it's like I can't really control it. I can, but I can't.

I've known about this for quite some time now and that's one of the reasons I've had such a hard time determining what my sexual orientation really is. Because I've not always even had asexual orientation. Between about mid 2011 to mid 2013 I felt nothing at all for any person. I shift between being overly sexual and asexual like crazy. So yeah, grey area asexual is what I go by these days and have now for at least a couple of years, since I found out more about it.

So... revealing way too much about myself this time, but it does feel important just because no one ever talks about it. How sexual abuse can have long term effects on you. I'm 17 years post my childhood trauma and 8 years post the rape. So I'm just gonna leave this here and hope I don't offend or scare off anyone. Or that my blog gets banned. Oh, well.