Ever since I got the news about that the surgery finally actually will happen, I've sensed a small glimpse of hope for my future. That suddenly everything doesn't look all too dim and dark. I know it won't bring me happiness (that is a very strong word, and I don't think any human being is truly happy). But I do think it will make me more complete, that it will boost my self esteem massively, that by removing one problem is a huge step to something that could one day lead to something close to happiness.
I guess you could compare it to people becoming parents for the first time: you know it's not gonna cure you, make you instantly happy or that all your problems will go away. But you know it will bring you joy and a sense of fulfilment. Something that you truly want, a decision that will forever change your life.
That's a little how I see it right now. I don't think I've been more positive about anything before. Not like this at least. I hate rules and being told what to do, yet here I am carefully following all the requirements for the surgery. I'm in constant pain that I choose to endure without pain killers because I can't take Treo or Bamyl. I'm forcing myself to quit smoking in a week even though I really love smoking. I'm risking everything, it feels like I'm risking everything for that surgery.
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