Mourning

I noticed my love poems are getting more sad one by one. If love turns into heartbreak, is it still love? I'm asking mainly because I don't know how to categorise my poems. Some of them could be put in various folders, but I want everyone of them that are even remotely implying being in love should end up in the "love" folder. Cause I got "damaged" too, and an uncategorised folder for those really tricky ones.

Now I feel sad. Been watching that "dead like me" show for almost half the first season and it's been quite cheerful, or well, humorous so far... but this latest one called "The bicycle thief" was really tear jerking. And I just suddenly reckoned that every time a person dies in the show the "light" they see when crossing over is something that speaks to them, you know, something special just to them. So I was thinking, what would I see? Sorry if I'm not making any sense here, it's hard to explain.

When I die, and cross over from this life to whatever comes next, what will be the light at the end of the tunnel, what will I see? I instantly thought of Dala, the city of colours. I remember it so vividly, and when I thought about it, I really did cry. For the first time in weeks now. It was like I wasn't used to crying and I just wanted it to stop. I don't know why I reacted that way. I just don't want to think about my death any more today.

It's stupid really, but I feel as though I've been mourning my own death for a long time now. Ever since I got that vision. That was a terrible thing really. I mean who the hell decided a 15 year old should get a vision of their own death? It wasn't very detailed though, but still.

I just saw my future self lying dead in a white room, or wherever. Like a painting without a background. Like I was staring down on my corpse from above. Then I just knew that I was gonna die when I was still young and the numbers "19-21" showed up. Oh damn... maybe that is my estimated time of death? Like on a watch, I mean. 19:21.

Makes me think of the Tim Burton movie "Big Fish" and the boys look into the witch's eye and see how they are going to die. It's a bit funny, cause when I first saw that movie I thought I'd want to see my own death as well, forgetting that I already had. Or rather wanting to forget that I already had. I wanted something else instead. Perhaps I wanted to see myself as an old man with white hair, happy to finally have made something out of his life. But I didn't see that, and I know in my heart that I'm never gonna grow old like that.

Isn't it sad in way, that I am one of very few young people that I know of who wouldn't mind getting old at all, and I'm convinced I will never get that far?

The sun is coming up. I couldn't sleep tonight, so I stayed up writing instead. And feeling like shit, obviously. I felt restless, as if there's something crawling inside me that needed to get out. Emotions, and words. I wonder if it at all helped. I'm fumbling for my cigarettes and then I remember. Damn.