Lovesick fool

(I didn't intend to post this, and you can hate me all you want, cause I kinda deserve it. I won't link to this entry, just dump it here untagged and without correcting it.)

I don't know what I'm writing for. Usually, I always write as if I'm gonna post it, but I don't wanna post this. I feel as though I owe the world nothing, may it crumble before my feet because I want nothing to do with it. My disgust and hatred for it grows stronger yet. I can't stand Facebook anymore, I just can't. I won't leave it, because it's basically the only way I can keep in contact with my love, but I won't be on there as much as I use to.

I'm just so damn tired of seeing all the posts about politics, animal rights, people complaining about either work or school, and those damn cartoons. And my wall is covered, riddled with that. I'm sorry, but Facebook doesn't live up to my high expectations.

Was it better before? When we were young and carefree, as they use to say? When studying wasn't a matter of life and death, when weeks didn't only consist of Mondays and Fridays, when politics was a mere interest at best, when being a vegetarian was a personal choice you should by no means try to impose on someone else like a god damn religion?!

I'm sorry, I'm raging again. And what for? Because I think my friends are becoming like those dull minded adults I hated when I was a kid? Or because I'm stuck in my dark fantasy world while they are living their lives out there in the real world? Because I will never be like them, and at the same time as I hate them for it I envy them too.

The further I am from the world, the further I want to be. It's like I can't run far enough. And I really can't, not as long as I live in it. My heart is aching and I cannot run away, my head is exploding and I cannot prevent it, my soul is dying and I cannot revive it. So then let it be. Let it kill me if it must, I don't care. I've cared too much for a lifetime and now it's time to let go. Not literally as in suicide, but figuratively, like in stop trying and stop fighting invisible foes.

I don't know what to do. For months now I've been caring less and less about my friends and family, it's like they all just fade into the shadow. But I realise it's me who's fading. It's just that, should I keep pretending that I care or just show them what a monster I've turned into and let them walk away one after the other? Who wants to be friends with a liar, someone only pretending to care about them?

Yeah, who wants that. But the thing is, I've already stated this in my blog before and I know at least a few of my friends read it, but I've never gotten any comments about it. I don't know but I think they didn't think I meant *them* in particular. I said everyone except my love, and most of them must have realised it's not them I'm in love with, right?

I'm not over reacting or exaggerating, even my best friend and I seem to get further away from each other. It pains me, but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to call her either. I never thought unrequited love could do this to me, or if it's depression, or one hell of a combination of them both. That I would shut out the world like this, on purpose, cause I can't stand to be around anyone else than him.

I don't even know what kind of love that is, cause I sure as hell haven't experienced the like before. But that's the thing about love, it just is, you can't define it. And right now... it's eating away at me. Until there's nothing left but the remains of my broken heart, bleeding for him and no one else and nothing else in the whole world. I don't wanna go down that road, but I don't wanna run back either.

So I'm lost, lingering. It feels like I'm rushing down a hill, knowing where I was and where I'm heading but I can't stop it, can't turn back. Cause maybe I have to get down to the bottom before I can get back up again? Maybe I have to go down that road.

My head is hurting, and these words never end. I think my hand is aching too. I won't come to a conclusion, cause I never intended it to be one. I don't know the ending cause I'm still in the midst of it all, still dancing, screaming, laughing and crying. I don't even know if I will survive this, cause the more persistent I am the deeper I will go, and if I say stop and try to get out of it now I will still fall. There's no winning in this situation, I think love finally got to me.

Maybe that is my conclusion, that I think love has finally gotten to me. I've survived heart breaks since I was eleven or twelve years old and wanted to murder a classmate for hooking up with my crush. I even went as far as to plan the deed and even brought a knife with me to school. Never showed or told anyone about it. But I knew already then that I would never be able to reason with my heart.

I don't even know how many people I've been in love with. What to count as a crush or an incident among all the people I've had interest for. Of all of those, it's been dozens, maybe 30 or 40 altogether. I know I wasn't in love with all of them, but many.

And how many times has my heart been broken? If I count right it would have been that first time I mentioned... then again at 15... twice when I was 17... at 19... a double hit when I was 22 which almost killed me... and yeah, that's it, if I shouldn't count this as well? Seven or eight times then. No, the first time would be Caspian. Count that in too and we land on nine times. Nine times, nine pieces scattered allover. I wonder how many more it will take, before shards turn into splinter and splinter turns into dust.

Anyone ever thinking that my heart will heal someday can just stop it right now. It's a downward spiral and there's only one way out. I will love and hurt and further more until I can't take it anymore. That is my sealed fate.

I don't know for sure what will be the final hit, what will be the real cause of my death whenever that is gonna happen. I can't tell for sure if it's gonna be my broken heart, my sadness, my general darkness and all else going on in my head, my self hatred, my longing to Dala and Caspian or something entirely different.

What will be the final hit, the trigger for my suicide. But if I had to guess, which you know I gladly do, it's gonna be a massive hit of everything at once. "Pretentious, Moi?" sings "your perfect age deceives you" and I can't help but repeating it in my head over and over. Will I die at 27 or will I find a way to live at that time? What is 27, and why is it so special to me?

It would have been more helpful if it was an age I have already passed, like 13 or 17 or 19. Significant numbers that are special to me. Cause it's easier to understand in retrospect than trying to foretell the future. Gah, it's driving me insane sometimes! Numbers, years, the past and the future. Love, heartbreak and obsession.

All that love that I've wasted, unrequited. Only one of everyone I've given my heart completely to, wanted to give me theirs in return. And we ended up breaking each other's hearts. Maybe love just isn't for me. People like me only end up devastated in the end, no matter how much we are loved in return. I'm not saying I know others like me that way, but it's a known phenomena. That of intense people who fall in and out of love quickly, become obsessed and obsessive. There's no future for those people, and I'm one of them.

But I don't fall out of love, I just give up. I think I can't live without them when my heart breaks, and it always breaks when I realise that I can't have that person. So it's hopeless either way and eventually I move on. Knowing that I will never look at that person in the same way again.

Sometimes I fantasise about getting together with that one person who loved me back the same, cause tragically, it was the best time of my life. Thinking that maybe there's a chance I could get that back? It's a horrible thought, I know, cause why would I want to get back together the the person that not only broke my heart before I broke his, but also was manipulative, very jealous and obsessive of me as if I was his property?

Of course I don't really want to get together with him again, it's just a thought that's been nagging at me for some time now. I didn't fall out of love with him either, I just got the hell out of there before it was too late. It's ironic, isn't it? That the best year of my life was also definitely the worst. 2007 rings a bell, doesn't it?