I'm not done with my life

I dreamed that I was dying from cancer, and as usually this dream too was pretty realistic. I didn't know what kind I had, but I was at the last stage or what to say, so it probably was that "allover the body" kinda cancer. Everyone were always visiting me and they thought that I could die at any moment. I on the other hand, thought I'd come out of it and start living my life again. Then I got a very high fever, so I probably died anyway. I woke up before I got to the end of the dream. Too bad, I wanted to know if I did die or not.

I like it when I die in dreams, especially when it's realistic. It's special in a way, maybe because there's that myth about "if you die in a dream, you die in real life". Which is of course totally bogus, unless I'm actually dead then. I've died in a lot of dreams. From sickness, suicide, murder, freak accidents and what more. Some have been painful and others I didn't feel at all.

I've had cancer in dreams before, or at least one more. I wonder just why that is so popular in my subconscious mind. I guess it could be my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. The thing is though, that the dream sort of took place in present time, cause I remember thinking: could I still do the surgery? Erhm, no. You don't get that kind of surgery in that advanced state of cancer. So it's gotta reflect something that's going on now.

I remember thinking, in the dream, that there's so much I wanna do before I die, but the thing is I don't know what that is. Not really. Sure I have dreams and goals, but do I really value them? Right now, right here, I mean. If I was supposed to die today (which I'm not, just to be clear, cause I still really want that surgery and it's really not gonna happen if I'm dead, okay?) would I get that feeling that I'm not done with my life? Or rather just be pleased that it's all finally over?

Yeah, I know I dwell too much in how to interpret my nightly dreams. It's like they speak their own language and I just have to encrypt them. Just have to know what they mean. Especially the ones that recur. Because they're trying to give me a message, and I believe they won't stop until I get it. I don't wanna keep dreaming about getting cancer, it's revolting, to be perfectly honest.