Holding on

How many times a day do I think to myself: "damn I really want a cigarette"? At least ten, I think. Today has been worse than yesterday, for whatever reason. Too many thoughts that I can't remember, too many feelings that I can't explain and too much anxiety that I don't understand.

I should go to bed, but I wanna stay up to 3 am to harvest some crops in WoW for cooking when the daily quests are reset. I hope that goes for the gardening as well, though I don't know for sure. But I can't concentrate on WoW, can't focus on flying between quests, doing them and keeping track of what it is that I'm doing exactly.

I had this dream tonight, I only remember it vaguely, but I do remember it still. In it I was seeing this incredibly beautiful and charming girl. Her hair was long and really soft in a dark brown shade and her skin was cola coloured with a golden glow, and she had big brown eyes. I kinda miss her now.

This is the third dream I've had within one, or is it two, weeks about me hooking up with different girls. And Lee Pace popped up there in a corner in one of the dreams. It's true that I have been thinking a bit more about girls lately. I have this nagging feeling that I'd like to meet a fantastic woman who would sweep me off my feet and make me forget about my unrequited love.

I'm hungry for a different kind of love, a love I haven't expressed, only felt, before. I've been in love with girls before, not that many considering all the guys I've liked in the same time frame. But I've never had a relationship or anything mutual with a girl, and I suppose I just want that. Not so strange perhaps. It's like I have a whole feast of delicious food in front of me and I only go for what I've already tasted before.

Though I know I probably and most likely won't get that far in a long time, or at all. My crush is just too damn important, I just can't let him go. Not without answers to my gazillion questions I'm too afraid to ask, at least. Those "will I ever have a chance with him" sort of questions. The ones of which answers will either thrill me or kill me. And I don't want to die, not yet.

I'm stalling, waking, hesitating to make my move. Afraid to mess things up, causing problems that cannot be solved. It would also be putting a heavy burden on him if he was to reject me. Cause I don't want to make him feel guilty and awful for rejecting me, if that is what he would do. It's what I'm expecting, but I hope to heaven that isn't true.

I live on the last remaining hopes inside me, clinging to them so hard I can't feel my clenched hands anymore. But it doesn't matter, I won't stop holding on. The hopes for a better future, with a body I can stand and him by my side. Living together so safe with each other and our cats and dogs or whatever pets we should absolutely have.

In that beautiful picture we would live somewhere in Uppland, I'd dump this lovely apartment for someone else to have. I'd do anything for him, and that includes risking my health. Besides, then we'd liver closer to both his and my friends.