I feel very battered today. I've probably taken twenty something pills of various kinds along with two nicotine patches today. Lamotrigin, Abilify, D-vitamin supplements, Lamictal (?) Lergigan, Mirtazapin, caffeine pills in load, Sobril and what more.
To survive only having three cigarettes and this horrible anxiety within me that just won't go away no matter what the fuck I do. At this point, even smoking wouldn't be enough. Yeah, I'm gonna have that surgery in a month... if I don't kill myself before then.
Now I got tired instead with the same amount of anxiety. Thank you Sobril, you are such a helpful medication... not. I'm not out of Zyprexa, I just can't find it. And the last thing you need in a crisis is to start raging around the entire apartment for a box or pills.
Good thing I'm gonna see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe I have to be committed to the psychiatric hospital again, just to
get some help/support to survive this. I don't wanna screw it up, I just
won't do that, it's not even close to an option!
I knew it was gonna be tough, but I didn't expect this. This is killing me, it feels like this could actually kill me. I didn't realise until now just how much smoking helps against all sorts of anxiety and random emotional distress. I'm running out of options and neither the pills or my DBT skills have any desired effect on me.
I'm on the verge of doing something stupid and I don't know just how dangerous that stupid thing would be or what it could lead to. I want to prevent it, I have to prevent it somehow. Cause right now nothing is more important than that surgery and I just have to be fit for it.
If this isn't hell I don't know what could be. I want this so much, you can't even imagine. I want it so much that I'm prepared to risk my life for it. It's like my will to live is not enough for me to survive.
That is the ultimate defeat.
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