My eyes don't seem to work as intended today, they're out of focus. I go blind for a second at a time, or it just gets really blurry, like I lose control for a moment before I'm able to focus again. It's annoying when I try to embroider or play WoW, cause it makes me stick the needle in my fingers or run into the wrong monsters in the game.
My eyes do that sometimes, not really anything to worry about. I'm just tired and can't balance out my nicotine and caffeine intake. And my circadian rhythm is still fucked up, which is probably why I'm so tired to begin with, and then I'm masking the tiredness with too much coffee. I have a lot of reasons to be unreasonably tired these days.
When you try to create a balance by just adding more and more it tends to get more unbalanced instead. Like sawing off the legs of a table to make it steady, until there's nothing left of the table, kinda thing. The same way I'm adding nicotine to calm me down or caffeine to make me more alert and just keep on adding. And in the end it will just mess me up even more.
I just want this day to not be completely meaningless. I'm tired all the time, and I want to smoke all the time. A day when something actually happens is a bad day filled with anxiety, sadness and anger, and the other days are just plain boring. But what I want I cannot have, so I don't even dare wanting it. Don't even bother hoping for it. At least not out loud, never out loud.
I wouldn't consider today a bad day per definition, but it's not good either. It's lukewarm, by my standards, by which I mean it's pretty dull. Mild to moderate anxiety that comes in waves, a little inspiration to embroider but not enough to get me hooked, found a tv-show yesterday (or rather re-found it) that I sort of enjoy watching. But playing WoW is going slow, I lack motivation and my mind wanders a lot.
Seems I can't really focus on anything today, not even my thoughts. I can't even remember what I've been thinking about, and obviously it wasn't worth writing down either. Just the same old shit I suppose.
Been bickering with Anna quite a lot though, she's annoying and I'm annoying her. Neither of us can think of anything innovative to say, so we just keep repeating each other's sentences. It's tiresome, but neither of us can shut up, so we just have to agree to disagree as always. Cause how can you shut off your own thoughts, let alone someone else's?
No comments:
Post a Comment