If it wasn't suicide, I would kill you right now. I'm that fucking sick of you. I know I shouldn't think the worst, but we haven't been fighting like this for a long time. I think it's war again and I don't know why. We've been through every imaginable tragedy, we swore a truce. To never start bickering without good reason, to never start a new war. What the fuck happened to that truce, my frenemy?
Yeah, me and Anna again. I hate her so fucking much right now. Cause these last few days or so I've been cursing and screaming at the top of my lungs at her quite a lot and right now I just grabbed the razor blade and dragged it across my skin because I couldn't make her shut the fuck up.
She's annoying me with questions and insults she knows hurt me when I'm the most vulnerable. No one gets underneath my skin, except her, because I literally have no other choice. She's like a fucking virus in my mind and there's no escape. Ever. There never has been.
For 16 years I've put up with her crap and if this goes to hell again, I'm telling the shrinks. I'm legally male now, it shouldn't be an obstacle anymore, whether they think I'm trans enough or not because of her. If only she was male... maybe I should lie and say she's male and say another name? No, I wouldn't be able to stick to that kind of lie, "Anna" is a name permanently imprinted on me. And I want to unprint her. Get some peace and quiet for once.
Cause if this is war again... I certainly can't handle yet another war between us two. I need to do something constructive about this situation, but I don't know what. For 9 years I've kept quiet about her before the psychiatry, for 6 of those years because of my transsexualism, do I even dare telling about her now? What if they would do everything in their power to make sure I won't continue to get treated for my absolutely genuine transsexualism? Do I really have to choose between one hell and another?
Would I regret it if I open my mouth about her to my shrink? Cause if we're really going to raise a hell of our own again, me and Anna, I don't think I could stand it. All I know is that I'm not rational or thinking clearly when I'm upset, and I'm upset a lot lately. And she's just on and on me constantly, I can't shut her up, I can't get her to leave me alone. What the fuck happened to our truce?!
No. If this gets to any degree of worse, I'm opening my damn mouth about her. I've had enough. For 16 fucking years of being controlled by a voice in my head, I've had enough. Yeah, I'm drunk and I hate my fucking life. I can't even get drunk alone. I can't do anything alone, not even going to the bloody bathroom, cause you guess what? I'm never ever alone.
I don't even remember what it was like before her. I was so young, just 9 years old. I've sobered up now, and I'm a little less angry. But the fact still remains, I still have to deal with this situation somehow. I know taking pills doesn't help against her. All those kind of pills ever did was making me fat and stupid. I'd rather be dead in that case. But maybe there could be some other kind of help to get. I don't know, I really don't know if I'd even dare talking about her. Like ever.
Last and first time was such a disaster I regretted it with everything I had in me for years. Well, we'll see what I'll decide for, but talking about her openly like that is not a decision that should be taken lightly. It could still have devastating consequences. I have to be careful, my whole life depends on my secret. I just have to reach a point where nothing else matters, where her words are more likely to kill me than forced de-transition ever would.
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