Wrapped in barbwire

"I beg for mercy before the dark
holding on to my madness I can't go on
if only they could hear me bark
I wouldn't be so alone

Silence will kill my patience
over ruled by timeless shatter I can't go on
these dark thoughts upon my conscience
my broken heart slowly turned to stone

Required to live how can I
my torn up past in shards I can't go on
and why should I even try
to stay alive before the dawn

For ages I've been haunted
by these memories I can't go on
with a homesickness unwanted
I counted my reasons to stay and there was none

Carrying my frozen soul around
with this shell I hate I have to go on
my home is lost and can't be found
and everything I believed is gone"


Today is shatter, today is calm. My homesickness is increasing but yeah, I have to go on. I'm not sure why but I've always felt like I'm forced to be here. To stay when I'd rather leave. I'm semi-suicidal with a wish to just close my eyes and never wake up again, yet I'm playing around with my new foundation that just arrived with the intention of wearing it this upcoming winter. I am torn, as if I just know that if I try to end my life again it's not gonna work cause the 17th time is not the charm and I might as well have a back-up plan anyway.

Cause I wouldn't succeed, it's not my time yet. I feel it in my soul, that yearning knows it has to wait. I have to turn 27 years old, it's important for some reason. I don't know if that may be of any consolation at all but it could be. Though, at this point I'm not sure if I may or may not try before my next birthday or not. If I get desperate enough, sad enough or just can't take it anymore.

The emptiness is my only comfort yet it's tearing me apart. This lack of emotions is my protection yet it's what's keeping me from being alive. I don't want to be alive, to feel alive or to live at all. If I can't be literally dead at least being figuratively dead is a step in the right direction.

And all I ever care about is cigarettes, coffee and good music. I guess it's what keeps me standing still instead of going backwards, cause I sure as hell ain't going forward. I don't even want to, I'm fine with being in an eternal stand-still until my time is up. I don't want to explore life anymore, see people or places, I don't care about getting better cause I'm past the point of ever getting better. There is no "before" that was better that I can go back to. It's always been a mess, an infinite dark chaos. I'm made of it, always have been.

I miss Dala, I miss Kazanndra and Caspian and I miss myself. Who I used to be in their company. I'm sensing that I will soon enough start obsessing about Dala again. Perhaps attempting suicide again to return there. It's like that 50% chance of me not ending up there doesn't matter anymore, cause anything would be better than this life, or it just has to be.

Almost constantly I can feel a pulling from the other side. As if something is calling for me from over there. I think it's Caspian, or I hope it is. It could also be the devil. Who knows. If there's anything I would like to take with me when I die it would be cigarettes and the music that I love listening to. Everything else that I want is already there.

I wonder if there are more heavens than Dala. I guess there has to be, just that the thought never really occurred to me before. Cause there were no humans in Dala and even though I despise the human race they're not all that bad so that I would think they should all go to hell. And they've gotta go somewhere. I have no idea what so ever where humans go when they die. But I have a feeling that it depends, on their belief and what they deserve and so on.

There are so many different worlds and dimensions out there, and I've only been to three, as far as I can remember. And this dimension is by far the worst. I never could have imagined that Earth was such a horrible place before I came here. But then again, I did take Dala for granted and probably didn't think much about what other worlds there could be out there, except from the one I had been living in before Dala.

I remember very little from that world or dimension, I don't even know which it was and I don't have a name for it. Only darkness, a calm and soothing darkness, rain and boredom. I figure as much that it was a demon world/dimension but that's really all I know. I don't miss it as much as Dala, it's just a part of my past that I no longer have any attachment to.

I feel sorrow, too heavy and distant to explain. As if something is pushing me down and pulling me apart at the same time. So much has been lost, I can't count it all. Maybe I mourn my past, afraid that it might be long gone and I won't ever see it again. I would not want to exist any longer if it's gone forever. I'd want my soul to be permanently destroyed.

Cause it's the only thing that I exist for, the only reason I'm looking forward to death more than anything in life. But no matter how little I like something in life, I should still hold on to it cause if I die there's no going back. If I decide to die, I should be 100% sure that I know exactly what I'm doing. And I'm not. I'm not 100% sure at all. All I have now is this incredibly strong homesickness that I really can't control. It might drive me over the edge before I can ever be 100% sure, but I am trying to hold on. Just in case. If something wonderful could possibly happen in this life, something that would make me think "I'm happy that I never did kill myself" it would be worth staying.

But I'm pretty pessimistic and don't actually believe anything like that could ever happen in this hell. It's Hell, after all. But I'll try to stick around, at least until my 27th birthday, if I can. All I can do is try. I don't want the psych ward's help this time or ever again. I'd rather die than go back there. So my only option is to lie to everyone and say that I'm fine when in fact I'm not.

I could go on forever counting all of my reasons to leave Earth but I still have no reasons to stay, except waiting for miracles. I just visited Facebook, one last time. I didn't inactivate or delete my account, just shut down the tab. So you should know now, who ever reads this, that I can't be reached on Facebook anymore. Internet, people and being social only feels like a burden. I'm half social at school to keep my appearance up, to let them believe that I'm not as far gone as I actually am. Still telling myself that it's not me being forced, it's a choice I made to come back to school this term and I can always leave whenever I want to.

Maybe other people are just in the way between me and death. And I can't have them trying to force me into living when that should be a choice too. Isn't living a choice? Isn't life a gift? Not something you're forced to do as if it was your duty, like a job you can't ever leave. Cause I feel very forced. By my family, the crew, school and the psychiatry maybe most of all. They think they can own me and my right to stay or leave life. It's not illegal to commit or try to commit suicide, but they all act as if it is. I don't like how the psychiatry is willing to force me into treatment if I don't decide to go there on my own after a suicide attempt that fails.

So that's why I'm lying to them, saying that I'm fine, cause I know that they can force me into treatment if I refuse to when they think it's bad enough. It's easier to tell them that nothing has changed, that I'm still doing alright, than to embellish lies further, so that's what I'm doing, just pretending that nothing's changed. They won't hear the Swedish word for suicide cross my lips ever again. But oh, they would not be surprised if I do end up dead somewhere along the way later on. They'd know I've been lying.

Perhaps they already know, but it's not like lying is a crime either. I have my reasons. And the only reason I'm still seeing my shrink is also to keep up appearance, to pretend that there's at least the slightest spark in me that wants to get better. Pretending that I'm just not ready yet, cause the minute my heart broke for the 10th time I knew my life was over and everything past that incident hasn't really meant anything. Or, it has, but not enough for me to want to stay.

What I'm trying to say I guess, is that I don't feel like it's my choice to stay at all. If not people on Earth are forcing me to stay, the higher powers are. God, Satan, whoever put me in this place and put that curse on me. Whoever wants to make sure I've suffered enough first. I'll show them suffering. I'll fucking show them as I deprive myself of what I might need the most: social contact, love, friendships. I won't let anyone close enough for me to be able to care about them. I can't have them on my conscience.

And maybe that's what it's all about. My fucking conscience. I've become colder, meaner, better at lying and deceiving all because I can't handle having people around me. I want to keep them at a distance and if they get too close I'll hurt them. There's barbwire wrapped around my body that can cut you open. I'm not as sweet as I used to be and these past few years, I've hurt almost every single new person that came into my life. Online and in real life. I'm not even sure what I'm doing, I miss being in good company but then I get scared and when I can't find a good way to escape everything fucks up and it just turns into a mess. And yeah, I never find a good way.

And I know that sounds awful, and my almost complete lack of emotions at this point is also starting to get disturbing. I draw back from a society that I hate, from a species that I never could relate to but that I'm supposedly a part of. I'm alienated from the one thing that should matter, where does that leave me?

I don't feel the loneliness anymore, I just can't feel anything, but lately the sadness has been slowly showing through the cracks again. That hopelessness that just darkens everything and dulls it into nothing. That turns castles into sand, dreams into vapour and goals into meaninglessness. Why should I stay, if not only to please others? I'm going down a downward spiral that started sometime last week or so and I'm not even gonna try to stop it. I'll keep writing about it, keep doing what needs to be done whatever that may be. But I won't fight, I'm done fighting for the rest of my life how ever much longer that's gonna be cause that's something I just cannot know: no one can. So will I stay or will I leave? I honestly don't know.