Switching hells

Tumblr... the only reason I go back there is to intentionally pour salt into my wounds. How could I stand it there before? I'm not happy, I'm fucking far from it but at least avoiding most of internet I've been capable of avoiding most kinds of self harm. I don't drink, I don't cut, I only smoke cigarettes. In a never ending chain with the intention of dying from lung cancer. But still. My anxiety is at this point almost non-existent, but the rampaging emptiness and my extreme homesickness for Dala take up all the space instead. Not that much better. Just trading one hell for another.

I wonder when I'll stop going to school cause I just don't care anymore, or when they'll kick me out cause I'm going there with a severe lack of reasons to. I'm just taking up space and air there, but at least I'm paying for my own coffee.

And I still have coffee at 3 am the night before a school day. I still bother to put on make up flawlessly before going to school even if that means I'll be 20 minutes late. I still eat the same junk food despite hating how fat I am. I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I accidentally read something on that god forsaken website tumblr a couple of minutes ago and now I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. K... I really am completely chanceless, am I not? Whoah, I suddenly got suicidal urges that just came from nowhere. Don't know if I'll put them into practice or not. Give it a few days and some booze that I've been meaning to buy for a while now but every time I get to the store it's been too late and they're closed.

Maybe I'll take a day off tomorrow and just come with the excuse that it was special stuff during the forenoon that I couldn't handle. I wonder for how long I'll be able to come with that excuse at school as I do think I could handle it, but I just don't want to. I live with the only security that I can just quit going to school if the demands on me are getting too high. I never call in sick, I never care to, I just don't go there.

Oh goodie, I had some kahlua left. Mixed it with soy milk and it slips down easily. An already tried out, slight overdose on some of my medication on that. Just trying to survive, cause believe me, there are far worse things I could do right now. Some things I'm just better off not knowing. I want to scream how I hate you, hate you, hate you but I just can't cause it's not true. I love you, I always will. But maybe you too are better off not knowing certain things.

How much is it of my rights and your rights? What should I let you know before I die? What would you want to know, what kind of information would be reasonable to give in such a situation? I can't imagine how much it would hurt you if I died, but I really can't know whether it would be worse or better for you to know that I loved you so much. That I waited for you even when I should have known better and just moved on with my life. I just can't move on. Not ever.

I locked myself in time the day I found out about you being back with your partner again, said to myself that whatever happens, nothing will ever change within me. I may change my looks once every fortnight but everything else is exactly the same. I can't lose you I never had you I still lost you...