It feels like the emptiness is my default emotion, like the one I always turn into again after any big emotion such as love, fear, sorrow, sadness, happiness or whatever. It has to be a strong emotion for me to default, but it almost always happens. It's like the emptiness is what's truly me and all that other crap just layers upon me. Perhaps it's one of few Borderline traits that I actually do possess, to constantly feel empty. In one way or another I do, but isn't it just the lack of actual emotions? Perhaps it's some kind of self defense mechanism, to shut down after a storm.
I have so many different self defense mechanisms it's getting hard to keep track of them all, but Anna is by far my major one. They all lead to some kind of mental illness factor and they all stem from traumas. Sometimes I just don't see anything else than pain, how I became my darkness as I let it finally consume me. I don't know where I'm heading towards, where that darkness will lead me. Probably to more pain and suffering, if I know it right, which I think I do.
My darkness isn't only bad though. It could be in the eyes of a decent human being who's never felt my darkness. It consumes, yes, but it also comforts. It hurts, but it also protects. Like a shield of black velvet. It's become everything that I am, or it will have soon enough. That's what I mean about giving in: to let that darkness completely take over, without surrendering, just truly let it. To want for it to take over, to rule me as I am it.
Without regrets or remorse, just finally accepting everything. Only then can I be truly ready to die. I don't cut myself anymore, and I believe this is the reason for that. I don't want to stop my monsters from coming: I want to let them in. I want for them to ravage my mind blindly. I want to feel every aching minute as if it was my last.
My last year in life, let's make it the worst ever. I'm not gonna have any more good years anyway, cause what can possibly be good about 2016 when that's the year I'm gonna end my life? Something will drive me to it, finally push me over the edge once and for all and I can already feel it coming.
I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my soul. That something big is gonna happen that will destroy me completely. Perhaps K dies, or someone else that I feel I'm very close to. I'm almost looking forward to what it can be. One more major event left in my life to look forward to. It's all I can do. But of course I'm dreading it too at the same time.
And I cannot leave the thought of dying behind me. It's 2:17 and I doubt I'll get that much sleep tonight. I mean, I'm easily breaking through 9 pills of Lergigan and one of Mirtazapin. I usually sleep good on 2 of the first and same of the second.
I'm bored, I'm empty, I'm broken and I want to go home again. This journey has been far too rough and long. I need a permanent vacation, a break where I could smoke every single cigarette on the planet. That's the kind of break that I want from this life. It's eating away at me. I do want to turn 27, it's just incredibly important to me. But after then I don't know how long I'll stay. Hours, days, weeks, months? Or even just one minute?
Would I kill myself on my own birthday? It would make a pretty headstone, if I get buried that is. I'm no longer a member of the Swedish Church, so such a funeral can be hard to hold. If I could have it my way I'd want to be buried somewhere in or close to Uppsala. I would want a coffin and everything. Real American funeral, cause I've been watching too much TV and got inspired. Also I still keep carrying around my organ donation card, just in case any of my half assed organs can save someone's life after I've died. It feels a bit like the last good thing I can do.
To maybe show the world that I'm not as heartless/selfish as I might seem to some. And besides, wouldn't it be awesome if there was someone, for example, walking around with my heart in their body. It's a big feeling for me somehow. Maybe it's got something to do with a certain movie that I once saw. In it there was a girl who had gotten a new heart from a donor and she somehow got some of the deceased person's personality along with it. And even though I might think that could never happen in real life, it's still an amazing thought to me.
So yeah, I'm giving up my organs if they're good enough and not just a complete heap of toxic waste. But I still don't know what people should do with my corpse once I'm dead. Funeral or no funeral? Try to make it possible to be buried or just let them cremate me? I'm trying to not only fulfill my own wishes but also what my loved ones would be okay with. Like I can't just decide for a very expensive and complicated funeral that my loved ones would not be able to afford nor be fit enough for such a task.
Oh, well then. It's not like I'm in such a hurry anyway. I have at least 7 months to finally make up my mind. Hopefully I'll be thin enough by the time of that birthday of mine. "Thin enough" as in I might not have reached my UGW (ultimate goal weight) but at least gotten down to 52 kg. 52 kg is exactly on the border down to underweight for me with my 168 cm. I just want so badly to be underweight! And I'm gonna work for it, be so sure I'm gonna.
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