Leftovers

And now that entry is over, I let the emptiness fill me again. I can, in a very small way, put that behind me for now. Or at least, I try to tell myself that I can. I'm calmer again, I think.

So I just showered with my clothes on cause I couldn't stand seeing my body. Is that hitting a new low? It's not even trans related, now it's just eating disorder and all I see is fat. Though it was freeing in a way too, cause who says I can't shower in a loose tank top while washing my synthetic dreads for the first time in like eleven days? I live on my own terms.

I have to let it go, somehow. I don't know how. What's past is past, right? My head feels so heavy and it could be the wet dreads but it felt heavy before I got into the shower as well. And I let my eating disorder consume me once again, starting with around 1000 calories a day, which is a pie, coffee, something else real small and diet coke. I won't count the diet coke but I'm counting everything else.

It's easier the days I'm barely awake. Cause then I don't feel so much hunger. It's still gnawing at my conscience, whatever's left of it. I can't let go even if I fill my head with numbers and weight obsession, I just can't let go. I'm back to writing down calories in my black little book for it. Last entry there was February 25ft. Okay, that's it for today, I'm gonna pass out in my bed, hopefully.