Fill me up with music for I cannot stand the thoughts in my head. Endlessly, constantly repeating and causing storms. I live for tasteless coffee and cigarettes and I still do everything I can to be as antisocial as possible. Or is it asocial? Perhaps a bit of both.
And I guess you forgot about me somewhere along the way, or you're keeping yourself occupied in desperate attempts to forget me cause I'm an asshole and you finally figured it out.
I abandoned you and you should hate me, but somehow I don't think you do. You're too good at heart and I'm just a mess. I couldn't stand being social with anyone online and I won't come with stupid excuses, not this time. I was overwhelmed and felt like I had to be social not to hurt you, but in reality I just wanted to stop. Stop talking to you cause every time you opened up a new chat window I just sighed and wanted to escape. I don't know what's wrong with me, but there was something, or everything, that I just couldn't handle. Too much responsibilities: I couldn't come and go as I pleased, so I just went and disappeared instead.
I prefer being alone now, I feel no loneliness. It's like freedom but in the saddest kind of way, cause I don't want this kind of freedom. Perhaps that is not the best word to explain it. My words keep on failing me especially when I the most need them. I just wish you were able to move on with your life and that your life is livable at least. Cause I still care, just not enough to interact with you anymore. Yes, I abandoned you forever and I know the timing wasn't the best and that it was awful of me to just leave without a word, but there it is. Y, if you read this, please forget about me, if you can.
Everything seems so far away, like I'm dulled but not by chemistry. Maybe I'm falling again, but too tired to care. I'm tired of being tired all the time but it's just the way my life is and has been for at least 10 years now. I consider the last 10 years more my life than the previous 16 years. Cause I was alive back then and I'm not anymore. I have no goals in my life except from to die and that's hardly even related to life itself. I'm just trying to kill myself slowly as I'm too weak to do it fast and it's not time for it yet.
Still waiting for my prophecy to come true and I think maybe that's the only real thing I can be waiting for. If it is true it should be real in less than a year. I have less than one year left to live and at this point, I'm just staring blankly at the life ahead of me waiting for my time to come. Maybe I'm frozen with fear, maybe I've finally come to the realisation that there's nothing I can do about it.
If this prophecy doesn't come true... I don't know what I'll do. It would upset me more than if it does come true. But it's all so inconclusive at the same time, cause I've been trying to understand it, as most of it is up to my own interpretation. I believe too much in fate when I don't even want to believe in fate. Perhaps it's fate that believes in me. At this point I just want to return to Dala and I know that's been coming and going like the flew but I don't know. I just don't have anything to live for anymore. I'm just living while waiting to die.
My family can't know, my shrink can't know, they'd just send me back to that place again for the 8th time and I'm sick and tired of their god damned rules, the cold corridors, the disgusting food and all those people I'm expected to talk to. Normal, boring people that I wish could just disappear off the face of earth. If they ever force me in there I'll break all the rules, smoke in bed with a stolen lighter and throw away the disgusting food. I'd refuse to talk to anyone and just stay to myself in my own room. Especially if it rains. Because no one can ever force me to do anything against my will. I'm not human, and I'll show them how if it ever has to come to that.
No, I'll just stay away from that place, stay away from everything as long as I can. Today is not a good day, I can't seem to escape my true feelings. They invade and block my mind, I can't think clearly. Everything I can think of makes me dizzy, angry and feeling sick. If I could just detach my head for a little while that would be neat.
I let it consume me, sometimes I have to. While I still never have any good days, I think I stopped having them long ago, some days can still be bad in comparison to others. I'm chronically low, but still have ups and downs. Just not as far up as other people and much further down than them. Or at least, that's how I see it. That some days my world falls apart, but it's never quite rebuilt again, it just keeps falling apart. Cause what's broken can always break more. That's like the one thing I've really learned.
So, I finally ordered that foundation yesterday and hoping it's gonna be what I except it to be like. I've watched a lot of reviews of it on youtube, and most of them have been good. So there's that. Not gonna bore you with too much make-up obsession which is still on-going although I'm running out of things about it to obsess about. Cause there's only so much you can do with your face and still keep it looking natural.
I'm listening to some of the saddest songs that I know of and I can barely feel anything at all, only how good they are. Mad world, Pick up the bones, Pictures of you... I'm blinded by my own darkness. Today I just feel so damn off, and I don't know exactly what's wrong. Just... everything.
Before I break apart
"My futile tries to change the world
are far between and never heard
I relentlessly build a wall
so that I can't hear their call
Far away and far between
are the things I've kept unseen
nothing gives and nothing takes
away the wounds that living makes
Be still until my heart stops beating
I'll ally with the monsters I've been defeating
and set me free before I break apart
cause I've been dying with my broken heart
Come find me as I try to leave
from all that matters I can't conceive
what darkness awaits beyond
I've been trying to break that bond
Now hush the ghosts that haunt me
I'll join them when I can see
that nothing was ever here to stay
and that my soul is already slipping away"
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