Complete lock-down

I'm not writing much lately, just playing WoW and watching youtube videos, almost simultaneously, but not really. I realised I hadn't done laundry for a month before today and my kitchen is growing into a jungle. I lose my will to keep it nice in my home, cause why even bother when it's all getting dirty soon again? The crew is on me, the leader of the crew is on me about it. I just don't care. Don't want to talk about school but it's started again as of Monday this week.

I'm still upset, you know. Still not moving on cause I refuse to. Still don't know how to cope. It's not the loneliness, I find peace when I'm alone, but it's what's tearing inside me at all times no matter what I do. I fill the emptiness with WoW, cigarette smoke, the same kind of food every single day as some kind of simple comfort, but I'm tired. I'm tired in my soul. A kind of tiredness that caffeine apparently cannot cure or even mask.

I dream of the weirdest things. Just fantasising about atom bombs, the whole world blowing into pieces and what a relief that would be. Or for someone to kill me in as many different creative ways as I can think of. Some of them even involves torture. Cause I just can't see how it would even be remotely effective on me. Wounds heal and those that don't, don't matter in the long run. Death would be a sweet relief and I just can't let that thought go.

I believe, in a way, that I'm too broken to do anything about my death wishes. I just dream and hope that my life here won't be that much longer. Cause there's nothing in life that I want except from that the rest of it will be as bearable as possible. I'm trying my best to avoid more tragedy. Stay to myself, avoid getting too close to anyone. Just stay lonely and miserable cause it really is easier that way. No responsibilities, no expectations, no hurt.

It comes a lot more than it goes again, although not as intensively as before. I don't cry, I don't scream. In fact, I don't react much at all to anything these days. Just stone cold. I might smile or laugh, but it feels false and it cracks and peels. I scream when I get angry, but it only lasts a few minutes and it's always only regarding my computer. Nothing to do with my heart. I don't think it's healing, it's just locked. Complete lock-down and the walls are protecting it.

I'm not living my life, I'm just barely enduring it until I will no longer have to. Just going through my endless obsessions that lead to absolutely nothing and there's that. I live a half miserable life constantly trying to decide between if I should go to bed and just fuck it all or just have another cup of coffee. There's no in between.