I feel like I could never love life or enjoy being alive. It feels so very forced now, as if I'm only still alive to please others. Maybe that's why I'm washing my care away and turn my heart to stone, so that it would hurt me less the day I will finally have to leave. All the pain and sorrow I'd cause my loved ones, but I cannot live just for them forever. Do you even realise just how unreasonable that is in the long run? It might work for a few months, but not for 50 or so more years.
So yeah, right now I only live for other people's sake. My family mostly. And that includes my best friend. I don't know if she ever reads my blog here anymore, but I hope she does. I'm too fucked up to pick up the phone and send her a text message but I still want her to know that she matters. She matters so much even though it might seem like she doesn't anymore.
I visualise it as if we were holding hands all through our teens and early twenties and almost let go when I moved here, one more finger slipping away at a time, and now we only hold our pinkies. But somehow I think we still hold on to each other. Or at least I'm holding on to her as much as I can in this awful state that I'm in right now, unable to reach out, unwilling to although knowing that it destroys me.
Our distance hurts, the figurative more than the actual. But I'm just so damn broken I can no longer function in social contexts, and I hate using that stupid phone. A part of me is a bit old fashioned, as I do much prefer talking to people face to face than using a stupid phone or computer, but alas I am very limited to only those two options these days. It's never enough and it's never gonna be enough. The only thing that would be enough would be if we were next door neighbours able to see each other every, or almost every, day.
But I can't allow myself to think so much about her, it hurts too much. Although she is on my mind almost every day in some way or another. Often just as distant thoughts, snapshots of old memories mixed with newer ones, but always always there. How can I even live without her by my side? Honestly I don't think I can. I'm just barely hanging on. Always just a heartbeat away from suicide for a million reasons but yes, one of them is that I can't live without her by my side.
If I think more about her I think I'm gonna cry, so I'll stop here, but I thought it was important to get that out there, that she's still my soulmate sister and always will be. No one can replace her and I've never tried to, never going to.
I do plan to leave this Earth alone, as far away from everyone I love as I can possibly get. Wouldn't want for any of them to find my dead body, wouldn't want for them to know instantly. I draw back, and this time maybe for good. Or I'll come back, throw a surprise party and party as if tomorrow didn't exist and then leave. I should go to Uppsala at least just one more time, I should and don't think I don't want to because I do. It's just that I don't feel like I'm truly wanted there.
Like I'm just a visitor, a stranger in their apartment for one week that then disappears for a year again. It's been over three years now, since I left my last apartment in Uppsala. Time is so hollow here to me, like outer space. Infinite, dark and cold. I miss my old friends from the main land but remember that you left me long before I left you. I'm quoting Marillion and say that: "I'm sorry I never meant to break your heart, but you broke mine" and there is that.
Maybe Uppsala is now a part of my past, maybe I'll never go back there again. Or I'll travel there in secrecy to end my life there, when that time has come. Cause I'd much rather die in the only real city I could call my home than on this God forsaken island. And I don't give a shit if that means my family would have to transport my dead body halfway across the country. Suicide should be my time and place, the only thing I'll do just for myself. So they'd just have to deal with it.
I'm not much for goodbyes, especially not this kind. I don't want to sever the bond to the only people that really mean something to me only because it would make my death easier for me. If I had no one left to leave. So my silence is not for definite, I think I'll come back one day, sooner or later, but honestly I'm not sure at all at this point.
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