Moving on

How many times a day don't I find myself trying to alter things, anything, magically just to remember that I can't do that anymore? Why can't I make myself look less disgusting? Why can't I find Caspian? Why can't I go back home? Everything, literally everything seems impossible here compared to Dala. If only I could do magic, if only I could practice telepathy, if only I could change time and make things work for me instead of against me. But I can't and I'm stuck in a world that I hate, in a situation that I hate.

Maybe that's why I'm giving up on people, on being social, keeping up old friendships that seem to wither without my constant nagging and reassurance checking. I don't want to be that friend, I don't want to tell you that you all suck because obviously your stupid lives including work, school and family are a million times more important than our friendship and you can't even find one sodding week a year to really spend some time with me? Well fuck you, fuck you, fuck you then. I'll wait for you to come crawling back if you ever start missing me, but I won't cry forever if you won't. Apparently distance is literally everything and I would have to live in your brains to get treated like an actual friend. Sorry, not sorry.

Maybe I was right to leave Uppsala behind me. Maybe I really was tired of that place and nothing would ever have changed if I had stayed. I kept hoping, I kept my stupid hopes up but it must have been for nothing. A whole year I waited for you over there, but you were just never there. I don't have much of a life. I'm stuck in my own fucked up brain unable to get out and live a normal life. I don't have that choice. You all knew that, I was never gonna get more interesting, I was never gonna get a decent education, I was never gonna get a job or a family of my own.

Still, you abandoned me. Not the other way around. If you're trying to tell me otherwise you're wrong. I moved after I had waited for a year. I waited for your stupid asses to come over for a cup of coffee or tea or lemonade or whatever or anything. But nothing. You never came over. You were busy, you said. Who the hell is busy for an entire year? I got the point. It might have taken me a while but that's because I cared so much about you and our friendships. All of them, although some more than others.

I wasn't sad when I moved away. I was empty, hollow. I had no reason to stay in a shitty apartment in a shitty town where nobody cared enough to meet me in person anymore. I got it, I just don't matter anymore. I don't think I have for a long time. It's not okay, but I'm moving on.

And so, slowly I'm disconnecting from society and the human race. Cause I think somehow that's easier than a clean break. I have no idea where in life I'd be in 5 or 10 years if my prophecy isn't true. I can't imagine a future on this earth, not even a bad one, just nothing at all. It's like staring into a black abyss and you can't even hear the echo of your own voice in it. It's completely empty. It's always been like that, I've been living without a future for a long time and I do realise there might be some kind of paradox in that phrase.

I don't know what I want to do about Uppsala anymore. Well, what I do want is for everyone to read this and realise and welcome me with a big, never ending hug, but I doubt that's gonna happen. I guess I'll just wait. See what next year has to offer, if it will really be my last. If it will be and I won't see you again, then try to remember that I did care and tried to show my care as good as I could until my last breath and if you feel I am wrong in my most recent interpretation of the situation, please, I am just trying to understand. It's just my view point, what I think I see and hear and of course I could be wrong about it all. I really do hope that I am.

I don't want to end this entry like that, just throwing blame around when maybe I'm the one to blame. Maybe I'm just tired of messing up, or so used to messing up that I couldn't even see it when it was right in front of my eyes when I for once wasn't the one who messed up. Maybe it was both ways. I've really been trying but I'm not gonna anymore. I'm done. This is me giving up on you, giving up on being social like I'm supposed to be. My facebook account can lie there and collect dust, so can my tumblr account and my skype account.

K, if you ever fall blindly for me, don't ever hesitate, you're the only one I'll always keep waiting for. You still have my cell phone number and I'm always just a phone call away. I, on the other hand, sadly managed to lose your number when my old cell phone died. I wish I could call you at 3 am and just talk nonsense, or deep stuff or whatever. I miss your voice, but I suppose you too are busy with your life.

Okay, I officially give up, I can't make at least a semi-happy ending to this entry. Not today.