I still remember how I wanted to hold on to that cat in that dream, as if I was afraid to let go like I just knew it wouldn't last. Even in my dreams I'm a fool who knows I'm about to wake up. My past haunts me, the very good and the very bad. I seldom re-view what was half good-half bad. Maybe no one does. But my life has been so full of extremes, severe high and lows and it's shaken me up pretty badly. Everything was always either amazing or horrible or a weird mix of both at the same time.
And I remember it all with the same bitter sweet feeling, a tearing in my gut, half disbelief yet knowing it's the only thing I've ever believed in. But not even my belief is set in stone. I still question everything, even myself and everything I stand for, which makes me wonder if I stand for anything at all. I don't. Not truly or deeply, at least. Cause if you dig deep enough there is always some grain of doubt. I doubt my religion, I doubt my dreams and goals, I doubt my memories and I even doubt Dala.
Uncertainty, is the only thing that is certain. Cause everything that I am cracks and peels, splits at the seams if you look close enough. Maybe that's why I change my mind so often, as I try to find the real truth, the only truth, but it's been wrong every single time. Or not wrong, just never right enough. Never 100%. And I do believe that is one of the reasons I feel so lost within myself and in this world. Why I can't get the feeling of belonging anywhere at all.
There's always something chafing uncomfortably, against my mind, soul or body. Something is always nagging at me with the feeling that "this is wrong and I need to stop". And all that I perceive as my mistakes keep following me and I wonder where has my head been at all this time? But I never come to my senses, cause I've never had my senses to begin with. I just don't know what it's even like to be at one's senses. And that also kinda explains why or how I find that I'm in a way mentally ill. An illness, or oddity, an adversity that never ever goes away.
Is it a wasted life? Or just a life that is harder to live? How should I know, I have nothing to compare it to. Sometimes I wish that I could, I think it would be easier to understand it then. Not that I care much if others understand me or not, but I want to understand. God, there's so much I still do want to understand, but my energy is running on minus again and I just don't care anymore.
It's easier to not care, and I know I wouldn't believe that before I felt it myself. I put the little energy I have on the simplest of things. School, make-up, passing, my hair, world of warcraft, drawing and similar rather shallow things. I still hope for the end of the world, but don't put much thought process into that. My life doesn't much resemble a nightmare at the moment, it's merely grey and dull, boring and simple. I still keep my social connections at a minimum and keep up a wall between myself and everyone I meet. I shut myself out, no longer interested in human life. Or the lives of other animals or plants for that matter. Life itself doesn't interest me.
I'm just trying to get by, the only way I know. I don't care about getting better as I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. What other people desire from their lives is nothing that I want. Or rather, I may want it on some level, but it's hardly enough of a reason to live. Not even close. Not even remotely. Maybe I'm just living cause I'm scared of dying? The thought has crossed my mind. Or I'm just too shut off to take that step.
What I believe is that this is something more complicated than depression, or perhaps something much simpler. I've given up, but I still participate in life. Somewhat. Nothing drives me to it, but nothing drives me from it. It's like you just continue walking even when you have no sense of direction or goal as to where you're walking to. You can't go back and you don't know how to stop walking. So you just walk and walk and walk... that's how I would describe my life right now. It's an endless, pointless walk that holds no meaning anymore. Yet I continue.
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