There's a certain feeling when you've been listening to the same song for half a week, day and night, wherever you go. I don't even know exactly what it is with this specific song, but the words "let me go, let me leave" that repeats after every chorus. Maybe that's what I want you to do, all of you. Just let me leave.
I broke my computer mouse and I can no longer scroll. Irritating, just doesn't quite cover it. My heart beats fast for no reason, all I had was some booze and some thoughts. I think a lot about Caspian, I fantasised about finding him for an hour. I just lied down on the sofa with cigarettes and thoughts. Works like a charm every time. The one thing I can always count on, that my thoughts will be there, ravaging my mind through and through.
Damn I feel awful. As if everything goes against me today. Or lately. I think this is just the beginning of something more awful. I'm drinking myself to some kind of oblivion on a Wednesday night, I don't actually care about if I miss school tomorrow because of it.
And all that time I could barely even stand looking at why did I pretend? Maybe because I tried to but failed. All I wanted was a safe friendship, something that would never lead anywhere but that's the thing about people, anyone, they take you places and you take them places no matter what your intentions are. What were my intentions? I only wanted someone to talk to when my friends in Uppsala abandoned me and I was all alone on an island that I hate.
But nothing ever goes my way and I despise the human race. Maybe the few people I could ever tolerate are starting to get too deeply on nerves as well. And wishing the whole planet dead is not just something I say, I really do wish it. I've lost touch, I can't stand myself anymore. As if I ever could. I can't stand the humanity in me, I just want to be a full fleshed demon again. And I just want to go home.
Maybe I'm still looking for someone to replace... what I once had but now is gone. No matter how much I refuse to admit it, I think I lost that person and I'm so lost without them. They're not dead or moved somewhere further than Uppsala, they're just not in my life anymore. We were so close, closer than I thought I could be with anyone without any romance involved. If you read this, you know who you are, but somehow I don't think you bother to read my blog anymore. I do understand, but at the same time I don't. We shared everything, at least all the way up until 9th grade, and throughout our teenage years. Soulmate sister, where have you gone?
I'll leave this Earth in less than a year, will I ever hear from you again, will you ever hear from me again? I cannot know either way. I'm drunk and can barely write, but everything I say is still true. I thought it before tonight. Maybe I'll never contact you again, just drowning in myself, or maybe I'll just randomly call you or whatever, tell you straight up that this is our chance, yours and mine and then no more.
Cause I know, you didn't abandon me more than I abandoned you. I've been so great with that lately, abandoning every single person I can. I don't know why, but being alone has been better than anyone's company, I don't know why. I do not seek to give forgiveness, if it's needed I can't give it. And I want to destroy everything, whatever's left to destroy in my life, until there's nothing left, but whatever weapon of choice I hold in my hands to end it all.
Maybe there is no right way to go about it, maybe I'm just delusional longing for what never existed but even if so, even if so: anything is better than here. Anything, fucking anything. This isn't a suicide letter, it's just me having a bad day, cause I still intend to wake up tomorrow, I always do. And I don't have any plans set. I'm just in an echoing dark chaos that never ends and it's been pulling me away lately, closer to my core.
No, don't even think it, no one can save me, not even you. I will live, until my next birthday and then I don't know when I'll do it. You know it's in April but not everyone does so I guess I'll just leave it there. It's a little more than 6 months until then, can I even hold on for that long? I might try and fail once more on the way, but that means I would fail. If you don't believe in destiny, believe when I die after I turn 27 but never before. No matter how many million times I try in how many million ways before then.
My words may fail me but I believe I got my point across, I do know that I'll be forced to live at least until next spring no matter how achingly much I'd rather just end it right now. So maybe you refuse to believe what I believe, but that's okay too, you know it is. To me, everyone has got to have their own belief, but fact remains. I'm suicidal but I'll wait for my stupid prophecy which is that I will end my own life at the age of 27.
And the only real reason I never came to Uppsala this summer was because I was a mess and I couldn't fucntion. And as the autumn moved closer I knew I wasn't getting any better. Also, I wanted to wait until the autumn when there was gonna be more parties, but then I got worse and now I can't come at all. I don't know if I'll manage to visit you again before I die. But I hope so, for one last goodbye if not else.
I've almost emptied a big bottle of Bailey's now, everything's a haze. I guess I'll go to bed early, I have nothing left to say for now.
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