The coffee is disgusting, the cigarette smoke gets in my eyes. I slept for another 16 hours of disturbed some kind of sleep where I was partially awake, partially dreaming. Don't know why I bothered getting up at all. Just need to buy some food then I can go back to bed, basically.
I'm trying to play WoW and it makes me more nervous than usually for some reason. I'm not doing anything unusual, just questing in Searing Gorge on my level 51 undead monk. The only melee class that I'm able to handle, especially with heirlooms. So what's the deal? I don't know.
It's not WoW making me feel like shit, it's something inside me and I don't know what it is. It almost feels like an anxiety attack... wow, I don't have time for that kind of shit. Okay, two good things I did about it: 1, I lied down on the sofa and 2, I took a shower until the hunger got too extreme. Now I'm just hoping that coffee can get me going again cause of reasons and I'm out of food.
It seems both me, the doctor and my shrink agree that Anna is a dissociation related to a childhood trauma, so all this time I've always been closer to DID than Schizophrenia after all. Not saying that I have DID, but it's in the same category, of dissociative disorders. I don't know if anything's really been diagnosed since I'm not really out there crying for help. Rather just living my delusional life as I always have, sometimes thinking that Anna is more real than me.
Now I'm both too cold and too warm at the same time. This anxiety attack sure is mild but long lasting. I don't know what to do, I'm seriously running out of options and that razor blade somewhere on my desk is whispering to me. Alluring me with its power and magic how can I say no much longer? Another cigarette, perhaps this time it will work. Did I really just put on deodorant cause I'm not exactly experiencing any of its effects...
The last two or three days I've been absolutely miserable, and I'm not sure why. It could be a number of reasons, or it's just that the fake calm that I've been able to uphold for so long is falling apart and there's nothing that I can do about it. I don't know what could possibly interest me in life anymore, as I turn to my bed more often than not, to just sleep it all away. And for crying out loud how am I supposed to get to the grocery store with this anxiety attack they close in less than two hours!
I can give it half an hour but that's it, then I really have to go or starve until I can go the next day. Those are my options, cause I'm really, really all out of food. Okay, I'm back home again, but oh damn it really took the best of me, walking to the store and back. Gotta rest for a bit before I eat my pie. I couldn't get it all down. Left about a quarter of it or so. This anxiety is really eating me up. And it never passes, is it just begging of me to do something awful, or what?
Maybe I should update my profile picture on tumblr, I can't decide. I don't have blue hair anymore. In fact I've changed quite a lot since that photo was taken sometime in the beginning of summer. Now my hair is mainly black again, with too few, long black dreads braided in. My beard is back again and I usually cover my bad skin with make-up. I might take new pictures when next I do my make-up. Like Monday or Tuesday. If I care to.
And this anxiety is still tearing me apart, I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I need to figure it out, maybe I can't. 4 hours anxiety just isn't fun. I've rested on the sofa, I've taken a shower, I've gone to the grocery store, I've eaten half a pie, nothing works. I'm getting real tired of this shit now. Now I'm just sitting here, rocking myself, cause I've run out of options.
Finally took some theralen, but skipped my lergigan cause I'm saving up for a slight overdose. It doesn't do much or any harm at all, seeing as it's anti histamines. I'm listening to Dido as I'm waiting for a WoW character to reach Stormwind so that I can mog it again. Always getting tired of my mogs.
Still not better, still not fucking better. I'm counting the hours whether that's good or bad and I'm up at 6 now. Why does it always have to get worse just because it can? I'm trying to write about it but I'm at a lack of words for it. Soon I'll take my saved up dosage of pills and try to sleep it off, what else can I do? I've literally tried everything else.
I'm zoning out from doing absolutely nothing but staring right forward. Maybe giving up is the last thing I can try? I'm so tired. I've only been awake for 6 hours and I'm so tired I feel I could go to sleep. But then I can't. Just tried. Sigh. I find my way back to the eating disorder online forum, just silently watching the most recent posts and threads. Don't know if I'll post anything myself. My profile picture there is from almost a year ago, I was at my thinnest but other than my weight I don't look very different from now. I think I'll keep it as a confidence boost.
Cause I'm getting back to that weight and beyond. Just... one thing at a time. I can't just starve off 10 or so kg in no time. What a nightmare it's been, what a nightmare I'm willingly getting back into. If anyone should ever know, it should be them, over at that forum. I made the mistake of telling people before, I won't do that mistake again. I finally managed to kick that chocolate habit and I can stand being a bit hungry like every single day, so it should work, given enough time.
If anyone ever asks, I'll just tell them I'm in that kind of period where food is just a bother again. Damn I suddenly feel like having a salad but I have no such things at home. No vegetables at all. Maybe I'll buy some tomorrow if I still feel like having that. Just plain chicken salad.
So far I'm only up at 740 kcal for today, but then I've only been awake for 6, no now it's 7, hours. Maybe all this mess is because I've started starving again? It might be, I don't care. Okay, I think I'm finally riding out the storm, cause left is only hunger and sadness. I'm so-so managing the hunger with a diet/protein shake and not doing a shit about the sadness. It can be there, what do I care.
Maybe I am feeling better than yesterday, cause then all I could think about was suicide. I wanted to keep you from that fact, that's why I wrote so little here. But today all I think of is anxiety, sadness in general and some eating disorder related stuff. Not gonna go back to purging though, that only gave me more problems than I could handle and it didn't solve a shit. I'm gonna try being careful, so careful that it hopefully won't trigger a binge. That's what ruined everything last time.
This diet/protein shake sure is hard to flush down. Everything is, yet the hunger is tearing me apart. My diet plan so far is one pie a day, one diet shake or something similar whatever the store has in, lots of coffee and some diet coke. This time I really do want to disappear, get thinner every day until I'm just skin and bones. Fuck everything takes so long for me, I don't have that kind of time for crying out loud.
I'm still rocking, slowly back and forth, as some kind of comfort. Be still my future, when I'm done I'll have nothing left to leave.
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