Alright, I haven't been on my blog for ever and I suppose now is the time to tell you why. I noticed that withdrawing from the internet made me feel better. To sort of "free" myself from the slight responsibility of what it means to be social. It has been more of a burden than it's been a positive thing. I couldn't explain what I wanted from anyone but I guess all I need is time and to simply be left alone. Socialising gave me anxiety of some form I can hardly describe nor do I care to.
Although, I'm still alive and perhaps not well, but I haven't been well in forever so whatever. I'm not really giving into much self destruction, as I noticed that as I retreated from the internet, my anxiety lessened and I didn't need to be so self destructive anymore. Up until a few weeks ago I spent most of my time drawing and now I play WoW instead. Endlessly, for 5-15 hours at a time. I got a character from level 1 to 100 in 12 days.
My sleep is disturbed, but mostly because I don't care about sleep. I stay up very late and drink coffee until 2-3 am until I decide to take my pills and go to bed at early sunrise. Some days I sleep until late afternoon, others only until morning. It's just boring to sleep and I hate routines. Eating habits are junk food and chocolate and I can no longer fit into my smallest pair of jeans. I am disgusted by my fat body and every day I try to change but I'm stuck with my eating habits. I try not to care about that either.
Then I have a new-ish obsession except from WoW which is to dress up in drag all by myself in my own apartment. Preferably late at night when no neighbours can see me through the windows. I bought a nice, blonde wig that literally took a month to arrive. I practice make-up almost every day now and actually bought some neat foundation from Kryolan which will hopefully arrive soon. My old foundation from E.L.F is really not good for my complex skin. It's not nearly covering enough and it gets flaky within minutes. I fixed up an old waist cinch/fake corset piece of clothing and made it into a patchwork pvc corset in black that goes neatly together with a pvc skirt that I had since before. I have no idea if I'll ever go out in drag but it's a possible future goal. If I can get it right, that is.
So far I'm really struggling to get the make-up looking good. I've got the contouring part kinda covered, but I completely mess it up with eye shadows and covering my eyebrows. It looks terrible but I'm getting there, eventually. I'm always confused by my gender identity because of this, even though I don't think it should complicate things. It's just gender expression, right? Well, the thing is I kinda miss presenting as female even though I'm trans male and yeah...
I haven't talked to K for weeks. I'm avoiding him too. I miss him so much it hurts if I dare to allow myself to even be remotely aware of my true feelings. Which I don't, 99% of the time. I put love behind me for good, at the same time as I somehow still keep waiting for him. I don't want to wait for him, but as for now, it's better than to fall for someone new and go through it all over again for the eleventh time. I know I can survive it, and that's the problem.
I'd rather be this misanthropic recluse and just stay away from almost all human interactions. Like I did in 2012, when I had packed my bags for Gotland to leave pieces of my broken heart behind me for good. It worked for a while. It worked all the way to May 2013 when I fell for K. But then I was out of reach and he was unavailable. So more misery came along and you all know that sob story by now. I'm trying to move on in my own way, or to find a way to move on.
A part of me still will never entirely give up on love, but I'll do my fucking best to not just fall head over heals for a perfect stranger or what might as well be. If I'm ever gonna find love I'd need to do it the way humans do, or find Caspian.
Sometimes I scroll on tumblr, without liking or reblogging anything. I'm curious about what goes on in everyone's lives, but I don't want to interact, I don't want to be seen or heard. Sneaking in the corners of your eye, vanishing before you can catch a glimpse. I saw K and his partner here on Gotland a couple of weeks ago or so. There were a lot of people around us. I had changed my hair and before they could look my way I instinctively turned away and walked in the other direction. I hope they didn't know it was me.
That's how invisible I want to be. From everyone that I love and care about. I think I need the space, but it doesn't mean I stop loving or caring. I just can't deal. I don't know why, but being social or trying my best to be really fucked me up. I'm not made for this world, I'm not made to be human.
The only interactions I still have are on this island. My family, although I try to avoid them too. The crew, my shrink, the school (but I avoided them all summer) and the nurse at the district health care centre who gives me my testosterone shot. Oh, and the people working at the grocery store where I buy my food. I really try to keep my interactions as few as possible.
School starts again on Monday. I've been thinking all summer but I still don't know if I want to go or not. Maybe just try it for a week or so, but if I feel it's just draining me too much or bores me or whatever I'll just quit. Now I should really log into WoW and try to earn all that stupid gold that I need for tailoring stuff and what not. At level 100, it just feels like a constant, endless gold grinding until I lose my temper.
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