I failed purging just now. I failed it so miserably. I tried possibly over 20 times before I just gave up. Hit something, cursed, screamed. I'm so fucking disappointed in myself I feel like fucking killing myself. I'm such a failure, can't even purge successfully. My gag reflex doesn't exist. Or, it's very damn weak. You could probably face fuck me for an hour and I wouldn't even gag. I just wish it was a bit more sensitive, you know. That reflex. Instead it takes showing down a fucking fire truck down my throat for anything to come back up. And I'm all out of fire trucks. And efforts. I'm just so damn exhausted, pissed and feeling the hopelessness just rain over me.
I'm tired of living today. Today, life is not worth fighting for. Today my life is so god damn sucky that I wouldn't even trade it with my worst enemy. Cause here, have a mass load of incurable and intolerable anxiety, here have some horribly annoying and distressing eating disorder crap, here have the worst fucking memory of your entire life summed up in tens of neat little flashbacks. Today, I wish I wasn't alive. This day can go and fuck itself.
Fuck, my throat hurts now, and drinking alcohol really gives it that extra sting, you know? I swear a lot, I know that, it's just that today has been really awful and I can't deal with it. My anxiety levels hit the roof, my purging and my whole eating disorder is a joke, I'm dreading Valentine's Day like never before and I'm just... a complete fucking mess.
Showing posts with label valentine's day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label valentine's day. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 February 2015
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Love of my life
I met this guy on tumblr, and he seems to like me a lot. Also seems to be ftm as far as I can tell, but I haven't actually asked anything about it. He just wrote me a poem and I don't know what to do quite with myself.
How come really nice strangers come to me like flies to sugar sometimes but I can't get the ONE guy I actually want? I'm doing everything right. Or am I? Cause sometimes I doubt that I'm doing everything right with K. I try not to lie, to not keep important information from him. He's always the first to know when something new is up in my life. I try to be there all the time for him but the thing is: he's never there for me.
And it hurts, cause I need him so fucking much and he's basically never there. I know he's not well, and I want to be the strong one between us two, I want to take care of him at the best of my ability, but don't I too get to get taken cared of sometimes? I'm not well either. Now I'm not asking for an extra shrink, all I want is his shoulder to simply lean on when it's extra rough for me.
We've been close friends for at least 6 months now and good friends for much longer than that. I know, I just know that things are going in the right direction although slowly and I really hate to complain, but my aching need for him is kinda turning into a searing pain that I simply don't know how to handle.
Of course it's Valentine's Day coming up closer and closer, slowly choking me from where I am. And I just need him so much that day it's like I don't know if I can hold solid without him that particular day. The time draws near and I don't know what to say to him. I wish he would come to me, ask me to come over to the main country just to see him. I would be over there in a heartbeat, and he would (hopefully) know that he can count on me. Whatever it is about.
Have I ever judged him? Have I ever laughed at him, thought something mean about him, ever done anything wrong? Yes, well I have done something wrong, but I would literally do anything I can to make up for it, if at all possible. I would do it even if it's not possible. He doesn't yet know about that mistake, but my heart tells me that it would be the right thing to tell him one day. And you should know I kick myself bloody almost every day for that horrible mistake that I seem to have done not once, not twice, but fucking three times. I suck so bad and I honestly feel like I don't deserve him.
Cause I honestly believe that I'm a bad person compared to him. Yeah, I already get mad at him sometimes, but it's all forgiven. Anyone can be annoying, even the love of my life. That's what I mean: I know that he's not perfect, yet I love him endlessly and all his faults too. I could literally live with all his faults for more than a lifetime and be the happiest person on Earth.
I know that it's real. When I've in fever dreams imagined telling him that I will always stay with him, that he can always count on me and I'll always be there for him in every single way I can and I wake up and know that is still true. I'd rather die alone than stop waiting for him. In May, 2 years will have passed and I still somehow love him more for every single day that passes.
And he's not even with me to know or experience it. In my aching heart, I can't help but wonder: will he ever know the true love that I feel for him, before everything is too late? I'm so scared, day and night, that everything will one day completely fall apart. I will deny every request I'll ever get from other people to be with me. Sexually, romantically or both. I want no one's hands on me but his, and my heart belongs to no one else than him. No matter how fucking shattered it is, every single piece of it belongs to him. Every. Single. Piece.
How come really nice strangers come to me like flies to sugar sometimes but I can't get the ONE guy I actually want? I'm doing everything right. Or am I? Cause sometimes I doubt that I'm doing everything right with K. I try not to lie, to not keep important information from him. He's always the first to know when something new is up in my life. I try to be there all the time for him but the thing is: he's never there for me.
And it hurts, cause I need him so fucking much and he's basically never there. I know he's not well, and I want to be the strong one between us two, I want to take care of him at the best of my ability, but don't I too get to get taken cared of sometimes? I'm not well either. Now I'm not asking for an extra shrink, all I want is his shoulder to simply lean on when it's extra rough for me.
We've been close friends for at least 6 months now and good friends for much longer than that. I know, I just know that things are going in the right direction although slowly and I really hate to complain, but my aching need for him is kinda turning into a searing pain that I simply don't know how to handle.
Of course it's Valentine's Day coming up closer and closer, slowly choking me from where I am. And I just need him so much that day it's like I don't know if I can hold solid without him that particular day. The time draws near and I don't know what to say to him. I wish he would come to me, ask me to come over to the main country just to see him. I would be over there in a heartbeat, and he would (hopefully) know that he can count on me. Whatever it is about.
Have I ever judged him? Have I ever laughed at him, thought something mean about him, ever done anything wrong? Yes, well I have done something wrong, but I would literally do anything I can to make up for it, if at all possible. I would do it even if it's not possible. He doesn't yet know about that mistake, but my heart tells me that it would be the right thing to tell him one day. And you should know I kick myself bloody almost every day for that horrible mistake that I seem to have done not once, not twice, but fucking three times. I suck so bad and I honestly feel like I don't deserve him.
Cause I honestly believe that I'm a bad person compared to him. Yeah, I already get mad at him sometimes, but it's all forgiven. Anyone can be annoying, even the love of my life. That's what I mean: I know that he's not perfect, yet I love him endlessly and all his faults too. I could literally live with all his faults for more than a lifetime and be the happiest person on Earth.
I know that it's real. When I've in fever dreams imagined telling him that I will always stay with him, that he can always count on me and I'll always be there for him in every single way I can and I wake up and know that is still true. I'd rather die alone than stop waiting for him. In May, 2 years will have passed and I still somehow love him more for every single day that passes.
And he's not even with me to know or experience it. In my aching heart, I can't help but wonder: will he ever know the true love that I feel for him, before everything is too late? I'm so scared, day and night, that everything will one day completely fall apart. I will deny every request I'll ever get from other people to be with me. Sexually, romantically or both. I want no one's hands on me but his, and my heart belongs to no one else than him. No matter how fucking shattered it is, every single piece of it belongs to him. Every. Single. Piece.
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