Fears and stuff

I just put up 13 more of my drawings on my living room walls. It's starting to look like a gallery or something. Okay I'm just lying on the couch without even trying to sleep for most of today. I know it's useless, but I get too tired to do anything else. I lied there for about an hour just now while the thoughts kept spinning in my head. I'm trying to not think too far ahead and not worry too much, but the thoughts are there no matter what I do. So I let them be there, I know there's no use in trying to force them away. They're just thoughts anyway.

I'm finishing up my wine before it gets bad even though it's Sunday night and I sort of plan on being at school tomorrow. I hope it won't be noticeable that I've been drinking the night before, but other than that I don't really see a problem with it. I rarely ever get hungover, and I won't get that from just having somewhere around 3 glasses of wine. I've gotta buy cigarettes tomorrow, again. I smoke insanely much.

I think maybe I need the wine tonight, I'm feeling all sorts of shit that I shouldn't say here and what not. Just a lot of worry and fear that I'm trying to tell myself is unnecessary and not needed but it won't go away. Perhaps I'm going about it with the wrong tactics. I believe this is good for me though, I'm learning things. Like how to deal with my own emotional storms. I'm scared that I'm changing into something I don't like, something that wouldn't be liked by others either.

Yeah, I really don't know what to say here at this point. I end up rather saying too little than too much, or rather I end up writing a whole damn lot but never posting anything. That's not good, I still need to vent at least a little bit. Just bottling things isn't good, I've already learned that the hard way. But I know I end up not knowing what to do with all my thoughts and feelings that I'm trying to contain for just the moment. Trying to analyse them, understand them and maybe learn something too.

I know I can't just say nothing and I know that no one's keeping me from saying anything either, except from maybe myself. I write a lot in private notes, as I try to get some kind of clarity from the mess in my head. I'm trying to compose poems but they all end up too personal, too private or I don't even know. It's a fact that my mind is running on one track and I can't think of anything else. I was about to post something here yesterday, and the day before, but I didn't manage to.

I'm calm, but sometimes I get stressed too. I don't even know by what. Thoughts causing storms more than my feelings do. They're just there, warm and cosy, but my thoughts are damn wild. Sometimes I wonder if they're even connected to each other.

Oh, it will just be 1,5 glasses of wine. Oh well. It reminds me to buy loads of menthol cigarettes soon as well, cause apparently they will become illegal here in Sweden soon and I have to bunker up. Not that I often smoke such, but I would like to have the option at least one more time. I do fear that one day all kinds of tobacco will be illegal. I'm not good at finding things on the black market and how would I even be able to hide cigarette consumption? Okay I don't want to think about this.

I don't mind you straying, not at all. You know what I realised? That to me, your freedom is just as important as my own. No matter what happens in the future, I don't ever want to take away your freedom. I might feel a bit... I don't even know what right now, but I think this is the best way anyway. To let you have all the freedom you want and need. I want to be your asset not your burden.

I still have things to figure out, but I will sooner or later anyway. I hope so at least. I've been playing a lot of WoW these past two days, as some kind of attempt to focus on something else for a while. I can't really draw, I can't really write. Except from just scribbling down every single thought that comes to my mind. I can't really do anything creative. I just wish I could take a break from my thoughts every once in a while but as of now, it seems I can only do that if I'm asleep.

I can and do watch youtube videos as well though, but not too many at a time or I lose focus again. Mostly I've been hanging out on the FTMtranstastic channel and then some random videos about botched surgeries and gun shot victims. I have no idea why I ended up on those videos, but yeah, youtube can be weird sometimes. But yeah, FTMtranstastic always has a theme for each week and this week it's apparently about how to accept your trans body which I found I had a lot to learn about. And I'm so eager to tell you things about myself regarding that that might surprise you, but I keep chilling. There's no hurry.

But yeah, I think my own self esteem has been increasing a lot lately and I hope it will keep doing so. I mean, I suddenly find myself not minding showering in daylight or with the lights on anymore, I'm not horrified by my mirror reflection, and I do walk around in just boxers in my apartment quite a lot lately. Unless I'm too cold that is. I hope that I by summer will be able to walk around topless or just wearing shorts if it's really hot without feeling awful. I would say I've been making a lot of progress in that area. To be more and more comfortable with my body, as it is right now. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to stop taking testosterone just yet. I think I'll wait at least 6 months, maybe a year.

I'm not saying I'm having second thougts about having a child, certainly not, it's just that I've been thinking maybe I was rushing it a bit too much and let's just say my priorities have changed a little bit. I'll get more into that at some other time, as I am a bit unsure of how deep I should go into things on such a public place as this is. Please do tell me to shut up about anything if I'm saying too much, but I do realise by then it might be too late, so I'd rather say less from the begining, if that makes any sense at all.

However. The wine is slowly getting to my blood stream but I doubt it's gonna affect me in any... problematic way. I've just run out of Lucky Strike cigarettes and I'm trying my best to make do with Pall Mall, which is my second favourite brand. It's just for the rest of tonight (however much longer I'll be up for) and early tomorrow until I can go get more cigarettes of the brand Lucky Strike.

Funny thing, or something, why I started smoking Lucky Strike, was sadly because of my celebrity crush at the time I turned 18, the Swedish writer Berny Pålsson. Her real name is Bernadette, but she always wanted to go by Berny so respecting that and such. I mean, I write her real name here because she's open open about it. She even wrote it in her books. I was obsessed with her like I've never been with any other celebrity. She's not really known outside of Sweden though. I think my obsession lasted from the end of 2005 (when I was 16) to the end of 2008 (when I was 19) so it was a pretty damn long time.

She wrote about smoking Lucky Strike in her first book (which was an autobiography) and that's how I discovered that brand and liked it immediately. I'm not proud over my obsession with her, but I do accept that that was how it was for me back then. In my denial period, when I refused to acknowledge that I'm trans, I found that I could be like her. Look like her, mostly. We seemed to be similar in many aspects on a personality level as well, just that she was a tad wilder than I was. I took after her a lot. I thought, that if I had to be female I would be like her.

So it was like I could only accept being seen as female if it was under certain conditions. So much has changed since then. Now I know, not only that I don't have to be female cause I'm obviously not, but that I can be male in any way I want. With this new found self esteem, I feel that for example, people judging me for looking androgynous, can sincerely go and fuck themselves. Like that classmate of mine, the only other guy at school who despises me and whom I should probably be a lot more careful around than I am.

I really don't care that he thinks I'm not "man enough" to even be considered a guy. Like who would even care about his opinions? Okay I do feel the need to tell you this about him, and that's something I was told a couple of weeks or so ago. Okay, I knew he's been in jail and he's been bragging about it like I didn't know what's wrong with him, cause seriously...? Anyway, what I heard was that the reason he was locked up was that he beat someone so badly that they ended up in a wheelchair. And that's not all... the reason as to why he presumably beat that person, was because they spoke with the "wrong" accent.

Now that just sent chills down my spine, I can't even... If it's true, then maybe I should stay on my guard and I do. I mean, I really do try my best to not be alone in any room with him, for example. Sometimes I can't sit next to him in class, but other times I can. Those other times, it's usually because I am a bit protective of F. No, I don't feel anything for her, my heart never took that direction, but I fear for her safety. And I would rather take the hit from him than seeing her taking it. Is that awfully stupid of me? I don't know.

Something's ought to be done about the serious tension in my school class... I mean, this could get dangerous, for real. Me and F, and sometimes M as well, are like some kind of warriors in my class. I mean, we do we and won't let anyone change us or put us down. But with someone like him in our class... no, I can't even imagine how dangerous things could get. Like what if he just heard the shit we 3 talk about him when he's hopefully not around? I can just say, that I hope I won't end up in a wheelchair before the end of the term. I'll likely skip some of the end of it though, considering that we do have school all until May 19th, but yeah.

I don't mean to scare you, I just think it might be important for you to know what I'm dealing with when I am the one I am at school. I'm sure I would get a lot of support and help from literally everyone else at school if anything, literally anything would ever happen between me and that guy though. I'm not scared of going there, I'm actually not, but yeah, I do keep my guard up and always trying to remember what I was taught at my karate lessons back 11 and more years ago, just in case the day would come when I would need to fight for my life. I wouldn't hesitate, not for one split second.

I don't mean I wouldn't beat him down, no, I'm trying to remember how to block attacks. And I do remember, I do. Okay I think I need to leave this topic before I actually get scared of going back to school. I do consider F my friend there and I do feel a lot safer when I'm around her at school. But I don't really usually feel exactly scared for my life when she's not around. I know that he's the only, literally the only one that has anything against me there. I'm sure if I'd get into any kind of trouble I could just holler and anyone would come along to be by my side. So even though I have reasons to be scared, I also have reasons to feel safe.

I don't know why I'm telling you this now, please don't worry for me. I might not have been in many situations like this before, but I do feel that as long as anyone else is in the same room as me and him, I'm not really in any danger. But yeah, I do also feel that if he'd actually go after anyone, it would with all likelihood be either me or F. That's fucking scary... shit. Okay I need to be at school in 8 hours from now. I'm not even asleep yet. Obviously.

Now how did I get here? Yeah, letting my own self esteem get so good that assholes like him can't bring me down. He's not making me wear less make-up, but he sure can make me think he might try to beat me down some day. Yes, he can try. I know my moves and I know my friends. Okay, more WoW on this and I might be ready for some sleep. If I even can sleep. I'll just hope my meds and the wine will work together in a charm and I will have forgotten all about this by the morning. Yeah, sounds like a plan.