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I don't know if I told you already but I've been feeling more and more that I'm falling out of love with K. My love for him won't reach its three-year mark. I remember that the last love poem I wrote to/about him was on March 2nd. He's been in my thoughts, but not nearly as much as he used to be. I still care about him, but I don't feel any fires within me that are meant for him anymore. The fires that once burned me alive are nowadays just shooting vague sparks. I've got other fires now, as you know.

To me it's a relief, cause I don't feel as divided/torn in different directions as I probably otherwise would have if I had kept being deeply in love with him through all of this. I don't feel sad or bad at all over leaving that chapter in my life behind me. I'm moving on, forward and the future looks so much brighter for me now. Sometimes I do thank my whimsical heart for its most recent changes, I think they didn't come a day too early. Finally, my mind, my soul and my heart agree with each other, and well yeah my body does too. I feel synchronised with all aspects of myself like I don't think I ever have before.

Like I'm not pointing in every direction anymore, no I've gotten on one track, one path and I love following it. See wherever it might lead me. I'm very curious, a tad too impatient and so very content. Sure, I do get stressed, anxious and scared too sometimes, especially when new thoughts and such pop up in my head, but over all and in general, I do feel very content with how things are and the direction they're going in.

Everything just feels so right, so warm and peaceful. I do not fear things going wrong, cause I don't think anything could happen that we wouldn't be able to go through, talk about and possibly also learn from. I did also write in a poem today that I want to learn more than I'm meant to know. I think though, that there's more depth in that phrase than I can grasp. I just have this sensation that if or when any difficulties would come, I wouldn't want to try to run from them, but rather face them and deal with them.

Right now I'm having thoughts that might be a tad too early to share, and also this is not the place to bring them up, as they're a bit too private. Not too private for me to share with you, but certainly for me to write it here. And also I've lately wondered if anything would be too private for me to share with you. Cause so far, nothing has really felt too private to share. I just don't feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything with you. I might be nervous, but that doesn't mean I don't want to share. I believe I've been so open with you lately that it would feel weird and wrong to not be open with you.

I mean, of course you're perfectly allowed to any privacy you want and need, and I do hope that me saying I want to be open about practically everything about myself with you won't put any pressure on you feeling like you would have to do the same with me. It's just my preference and choice to not be very private at all, I don't think there would be anything wrong with any other choice or preference when it comes to that. Slowly I feel that I'm getting closer to being the me I used to be and like, before all my lies and deceit started in my late teens. Not lying to you, not keeping important information from you, has been difficult, but I believe it's also been very rewarding for the both of us.

I would of course tell you if I'd feel uncomfortable telling something about myself to you, but I just don't think there are that many such things anymore. The only other person I've felt this comfortable and safe around before was my best friend, before I moved away. Since then our contact got more sparse and it became more difficult for me to open up to her. So, I lost some of that comfort and safeness with her.

Maybe it doesn't say much, that I do feel that comfortable and safe around you, because I still have that shyness holding me back despite me not wanting to hold back anymore. I want to break free from it and be completely open. Maybe that's the leap I'm trying to make, still awfully scared of heights. But I won't let fear stop me anymore, I've been bound to it for too long and it suffocates me. And I just want to breathe.

I want to write something like a short story inspired by you but I have no idea where to begin. I've been having that idea in my head for quite a while now, but I just can't form it into an actual story. My creativity just isn't as accessible lately and it's bothering me. I can and do write poems but that's basically it. They're mostly about you. I try to express myself in any way I can, but I just can't find the right time or place for it. I keep thinking maybe some things it's too soon to open up about, but it's been getting all the more difficult to not express them.

My mind is just racing too fast for me to keep up with and I'm like "hang on, and slow down!" at it. I do like my thoughts of you, but sometimes they tend to take me too far into possible futures. And I want to focus on the here and now, and the nearest future. But I can't decide what to think about, the thoughts will come no matter what I do. And I do look forward to sharing them with you, but right now I'm a little bit worried that it's just too soon. So, it's hard to be patient with my racing mind, but I want to be patient, and I really don't want to rush anything or put any pressure on you. I mean, it's just been 1,5 weeks and... I'm thinking too far ahead.

One thing at a time, I try to tell my brain that won't slow down. But heck, I'm used to that unsorted mess that is my thoughts, so maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I think it is. I keep wondering, if maybe you've been thinking further ahead as well, or had thoughts of what we haven't yet discussed. It's okay if you haven't, it's just something I wonder about from time to time.

This day goes by calmly. I'm still listening to Chelsea Wolfe and I think I will continue doing so until I don't know what. I'm slightly tired and a little cold and hungry but I feel good. Might soon try to eat something. Okay, I did but I'm still hungry. Whatever. I try to draw a tree to get my inspiration going but I feel nothing towards what I'm drawing. It's happened before, that I get less creative the better I feel. I wish I could, I wish it so badly, that I could have both my creativity and feeling better at the same time. But I just can't create anything, it feels like. Cause the only things I've ever been able to express have been misery and darkness. Maybe if I just give it some time my creativity will come back to me. I don't know.

I'm back from a two hours long nap and I dreamed about you. I don't remember what happened in the dream, only that you were in it and I woke up with a smile on my lips. I do love it when you visit my dreams. I don't really know where to best post the poems that I've written that are about you and us. I wouldn't mind posting them on my tumblr but I want it to be okay for you too.

I got another idea about what I could do about my moving to the main land situation, which is to find a decent, normal apartment basically anywhere in Uppland (the area in which Uppsala is) like even in a small village or something where no one wants to live and then keep looking for an apartment in Uppsala while living somewhere else fairly close to that city. Cause I think it would be a lot easier to find an apartment in a smaller town or village like Östhammar, Gimo, Alunda, Knivsta, Västerås or even Österbybruk. I don't remember what all those places over there are called, but those are some that I do remember. It would be quite a distance to Uppsala but we're not talking the nearly astronomical distance as I have from here. And I do think that would be better than living here, especially if the staff here or the instance that's in charge of them would evict me.

And also better than to move to a normal apartment here in Hemse, as is my mother's "suggestion". And by suggestion I mean that's her one and only solution, which I would reject and refuse like hell. I had an imaginary conversation in my head earlier today about me telling her that I shouldn't have to suffer because she and my father made the stupid decision to move to this island.

Of course though, if I move to another tiny village but closer to Uppsala, it might get hard to get the support I might need that is similar to LSS. I don't think there's that much I would need help with anymore though, but mainly just two things, possibly. That would be cleaning the drain in my shower to prevent the apartment from getting flooded, and to wake me up in the morning so that I can take my morning medication on time. I mean, seems I can handle most cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and such fine by myself as of lately, which I couldn't before. I might need help with remembering to pay my bills and other such stuff too though, but I not need much more than that and barely even that.

I just feel like I got myself sucked into this hell dimension known as Gotland so I just have to get myself out of it too somehow. Let the nightmare become nothing more than a memory.

I've been thinking. Wondering, if I should even ever tell K that I used to be in love with him, as my feelings for him are fading. I don't know if it would be such a smart move. Like... the point of ever telling him would be so that he would know that he's loved, and I mean I do still kinda love him as a friend at least, I mean it's not like I suddenly hate him or anything. I just don't really have any romantic feelings for him anymore. Maybe I should just tell him what he matters to me as a friend instead and skip the part about me having been in love with him, I don't know. I would need to think about it some.

That thought keeps popping up every once in a while, as I had planned for so long on telling him and now things are changing within me. I've also thought of that "chain" with the four of us that I wrote about some time ago and what that could mean now. I don't know if you remember, don't know how much details I should mention here about it. But it does feel like the links in that chain have been re-arranging a bit. Quite a bit indeed. And with me losing my feelings for K, I wonder if that breaks the chain. So where does that lead us?

I haven't gotten any further with that thought really. I don't really think that often about it, about K or his partner. To me now, they're both good friends, but yes, I'm sure he will continue being a closer friend to me than his partner will, if I even should arrange actual people in some kind of hierarchy. Whatever. Let's leave that for now. I feel as though I'm trying to force words out of myself because I can't think of anything else to do than writing. Nothing else that I'd rather want to do. I don't know, but there's always that one thing I'd rather do than anything these days.

I feel my words are coming to an end for now and I will soon try to get some sleep. I have school tomorrow, which I don't know if I feel up for or not. Depends on the night, I guess.