I can't believe I'm 27 years old now. I somehow managed to survive this long. How much different will 27 feel compared to 26? Oh, I think a whole lot. Compared to most of 26, that is. The last month of that age was pretty awesome. Now I've entered a new era, I feel more free than I have in a very long time, if not forever. I'm gonna work so hard (but not too hard) to become as much of my old self as possible, I'm gonna improve myself on so many levels. For me and for us. I'm so excited about it but a little bit scared too. Of working towards improving myself, that is. I believe it's gonna be so worth it though. It's like, I can see so many possibilities in the future like I have so much potential that I've never even thought of before. I'll make life worth living.
After all, most of my life is in my own hands. Except from what is in society's hands and that shit but really, most of it I do have the power over. To change, to embrace or do whatever I want with. I'm not gonna feel like I'm stuck in between life and death anymore. No, I'm gonna live, choose life and do the very best I can of my time here on Earth.
Had another dream about my father again. This one wasn't quite as nice. In it he abused my sister mentally in ways similar to how R treated me back in my first relationship. But in this dream I really stood up for my sister and fought for her right to leave the house even though she had an injured foot. Our mother was on our father's side until the end of the dream when she finally opened her eyes. So I was acting like some kind of hero in my family in that dream, for my sister. Completely different from my previous dream in which I beat her up, and the dream before in which I united with my father and my sister wasn't really even in the picture.
What's up with all these family related dreams lately? And they're like always portraying various kinds of abuse. Am I really so confused about their intentions these days? And why can't I dream of you instead? Perhaps it's too soon for that part of my subconscious to catch up, I don't know.
The same questions echo in my head and rest on my tongue. I will bring them up whether I feel ready or not. Whether I feel like I can or not. Cause every time I've been close to uttering them my heart rate has increased massively and I've gotten dizzy from it, and the only way I could calm myself down was to tell myself that "okay maybe some other time". I don't know why I'm so nervous about those specific questions, they shouldn't be that hard to ask. And I know I can't wait forever and I don't even want to. I just don't want to feel blocked by my own mind.
I write about this now so that you'll know, that there is two things that I really want to talk to you about but I just can't for some reason. Well, it damn well shouldn't be impossible. But difficult indeed. I guess they're not really urgent and that's one of the reasons I've been able of keep postponing saying them.
Now if I could just stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time then that would be good. I've been so tired today. Didn't manage school. I slept until 9-ish o'clock then was up until 10, then fell asleep again for about an hour and it's been going on like that all day. Oh, for me, listening to "Birthday" by The Crüxshadows is a must today. It's so weird, but every time I hear the first verse of it "you roll out of bed and look in the mirror, another year has come and gone..." I imagine myself a lot older in a completely different apartment, smiling at my older self in the mirror. I think I would be around 50 years old in that image. I'm slightly heavier, have wrinkles, look pale and have hip long black hair.
I've kept seeing that visualisation or what to call it, for so many years now, every time I hear that song. And it's always comforting somehow, to maybe one day become that middle aged man who's so content with himself and the life he's lived up until that point. I've never feared getting older, no I've always looked forward to it. Perhaps I worry that my already aching body will be aching far more the older I get, but otherwise I feel I have nothing to worry about really. If it's anything, except love, that I've always craved in life it's experience, wisdom and knowledge and I've always been comforted by that those things will likely come with age. And also I can't help but find the aging process human beings go through is so beautiful.
Sure it can be cruel too, but depends on how you look at it, right? Like, I don't necessarily find beauty in youth, no I kinda find it in any and every age. I just think it's so sad that society sees ageing as ugly or something no one should ever want. Why not? Why wouldn't it be something to sort of strive for? Why would it be better to live fast and die young? Sure I've always had that in my mind too, that I'm living fast and have wanted to die young but not because of any fear of ageing. And also, what's really up with the horrible expression "ageing with grace"? I think most people if not everyone do.
I don't know why, but I like trying to imagine how I'll look when I'm getting old enough to call myself old. Like I might be super silly but I'm already liking the few fine lines I've already gotten and I keep wishing that I'll get grey hairs prematurely. My parents didn't get very wrinkly at all, or haven't yet. If it wasn't for their hairs getting all the more grey and me obviously knowing them, I would have guessed they're younger than they are. I think I will get more wrinkly though, especially if I keep up my cigarette habit. I know I used to have very oily skin before but it has gotten a lot dryer lately.
I don't know why I keep hoping for more wrinkles, it's silly. I've just always found them beautiful somehow, on other people and such. However. Let's leave that topic for now. The guy who was here about my stove early this morning called me later during the morning and told me that it was the timer that was broken and I told him to call my mother about that cause I didn't understand half of what he was saying. Technical stuff has never really been my strong side, but they often tend to malfunction around me for some reason. So, my stove and that stuff still hasn't been fixed. My mother came by to give me a sort of portable mini stove though, so I can cook food again at least.
Well, as well as I can then. It's mostly just fried eggs or pasta and various powder sauces that I cook. I can't do it nicely, but I can make it edible at least. Okay I can't think of anything more to write right now so I'll end this entry with a poem that I wrote a couple of days ago.
Meant to feel
"Lost in a dream
running on all fours
and I put a hand on my chest
pretend that it's yours
Shaking my head
still wondering was it real
oh how I've always known
what I was meant to feel
I have words on my tongue too shy
to reach my lips
echoes in my hands that can't
reach my fingertips
Running to release
what's pounding beneath my skin
holding on to what was never
really lost within
Silently I remain here
breathe deep and think
as everything around us
creates an invisible link"
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