Memories

I've known about me being otherkin for 6 years now, as I discovered it sometime during 2010. Or well, that's when I found the words to describe what I've always felt since early childhood. I haven't done much research, but I used to hang out in online forums for people who are otherkin up until a couple of years ago or so. I don't know that much beyond the basics, really. Also, especially demonkin is apparently a bit more difficult to find information about. I don't know if it's the stigma of identifying as something so commonly referred to as an "evil" creature or what.

I don't see it as that I was evil back in Dala, or that I am now. I sure have done questionable things thinking it was nothing at the time I did them, I've broken the law and been lying, deceiving and manipulating, I've hurt people. But I just know that the love, care, compassion, acceptance and respect that I also possess and give sort of balances it out a bit. I do still feel awful over those not so good things I've done, but I want you to know, that even though it didn't help much immediately to tell you about them, it certainly did over time. I guess it just took me a little while for it to sink in and for me to realise that you wouldn't reject or hate me because of it.

So yes, it was a relief, but it didn't happen instantly. I think my view on myself has changed somewhat. I don't really hate myself anymore, I don't think I deserve to die for what I've done. I don't really know what I deserve or not, but I do know that I'm alive now and I should do the best that I can of the life that I have. I think I've gotten a step closer to accepting myself and my past. I'm more focused on this life than the one I had in Dala, but of course I can't really let go of Dala either. I mean, I still miss it, but I don't feel ready to die for it anymore. I figure I might or might not get back there again someday anyway.

And I know I've been selfish. For me, the darkness has always come with a huge amount of selfishness. And as I'm breaking out of it, I notice that I care more about certain others as well. I notice that my life and my choices don't just impact myself. I just thought about something completely random, that maybe it's not so bad that I can't remember more from Dala than I do, cause if I did maybe I would try to re-create those memories in this life. That would probably put a lot of pressure on both myself and you. Just a thought though. I don't even know if I would try to re-create memories that I no longer have if I did have them. I do feel I'm more up for creating completely new memories. Why make two different lives as similar as possible? That doesn't make much sense to me.

I don't know how much I could leave Dala behind me, or even if I should. I've always been a bit torn on what to actually do with memories. Any memories. I tend to dig around in them, try to find out more, I wallow and over analyse and dissect them. I wish them back or I wish to change them. I don't think that's entirely healthy. I just got another random thought, that thank goodness for the existence of internet or I don't think we would have found each other. I'm still a bit mind-blown about everything. The initial overwhelming has passed for me by now, but on the depths I'm still overwhelmed, but in a calmer way, if that makes any sense?

Like I don't constantly feel overwhelmed, but if I reach in under the surface I do tend to. I still find myself gasping sometimes, thinking it's too good to be true.

Oh, this old song. I remember. Just randomly found it among favourites on Spotify. Now it's giving me chills like never before and I notice how much I really like it. I added that song nearly 14 months ago. Was it really that long ago? I think it was our first video chat. I haven't thought that very much about that particular memory, but it has been on my mind from time to time. I haven't listened to the song again until now though. That, I don't know why.

It hits me kinda hard, as I'm slowly starting to realise what this all means. And god damn, I hope my gut feeling is right. There is no war within me anymore, just to clarify. Those parts of me that used to scream that something was wrong, are now expressing the complete opposite. I smile as I light my cigarette, inhale deeply, hold in the smoke and then exhale. "This is heaven, what I truly want" comes from the song and I feel the chills again. Yes, couldn't have said it better myself. Or well, life obviously isn't perfect and I don't think it's ever gonna be but that's kind of the thing, cause who ever said it has to be?

I'm heading in the right direction for once and life will become what I make of it. What struck me that day in early March? Did I just randomly find the right path in the forest of my life after having wandered aimlessly for nearly 27 years? Did I find it within myself or did it find me? Just suddenly, everything changed. I do believe that happiness or anything even remotely close to it, won't just happen if I sit on my ass and do nothing. I've gotta make things happen, but up until recently, I haven't even known what I truly wanted.