Indecisive

I finally dreamed about you. Well, it was just vague feelings and the line "Like siamese twins separated at birth" as the start of a poem. I'm not entirely sure what it meant. But I was sort of about connecting with you on a deeper level, more spiritually. It's hard to explain.

I have no idea how I managed to make my case worker believe that I'm motivated for studies in the future at our meeting today. I swear it just happened and I have no idea how. Cause I'm not really motivated for studies at all and I have no idea what I'm doing.

My mind is a mess. I've mostly been lying on the couch since I got home from that meeting, trying to think and sort out that mess. I don't know if I've gotten any closer to reaching any decision as I keep changing my mind all the time. I know what I want, but all the practical stuff and reality has made me change my decision multiple times today. I ask myself questions like: what if it would be too much at once? what if I won't be able to handle it? what if I'll just crash and burn? I'm so stressed out about it. There are risks to consider, that didn't pop up in my head until after our last talk. I should know myself better than I do.

I talked to my mother about it a bit but she was just like "uh you have to figure all that out yourself" basically. I mentioned my medications and she said something like "yeah" without really giving me a yes or no answer. I haven't really been able to take in that much more new information regarding anything today. I know you wouldn't really have demands on me to handle more than I can, but I just wish so badly that I could handle more. So that I could just do whatever I wanted and not constantly be hindered by my body and mind not functioning as they should.

Mainly, what I'm talking about is my extreme sensitivity towards stress. I hadn't thought very far before but if I'm under what is to me extreme stress (which would be like normal stress for most people) I do very easily crash. In the past I've dissociated, hallucinated or just not been able to function at all. Like I just shut down after a while. It's hard to describe exactly what I mean by "shutting down" but I become almost apathetic in a way. Like I just sit down on the ground or wherever I can and just stare. It's scary for me when that happens but I also worry that I would be a bit too much to handle for you too.

I remember this happened when I went to Iceland when I was 13. Sure it was half an eternity ago, but the situation seems familiar somehow. Those times it has happened, they tend to stick with me forever. Other times it's happened was at various schools, when I had tried to push myself to being at school more than I could handle, cause it was sort of required of me. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to take the risk though, it's not that.

My racing heart is stressing my mind which in turn is stressing my heart. I'm on some kind of loop. I will be going over to my family's place sometime tomorrow, probably not long after whenever I wake up. Of course we can talk when I'm there too, if you'd want to, I'll bring my computer. I feel kind of alert now, how annoying. I mean, it's practically bedtime if there is such a thing for me.

Anyways, don't hesitate to send me a message if you think I'm taking a bit too long to reach a decision. But yeah, I have thought about it a lot and will keep doing so. Now I'm having a white russian to hopefully help me being able to get some sleep at some point tonight. I'm running out of things to say but my mind is still cluttered. Oh god, I'm still indecisive... thought I had almost reached a decision, but nah it changed again. I haven't been smiling a lot today, but now it warms me. I hope things will turn out okay no matter what I decide for.