Okay I've calmed down now. This day has been so strange, and I literally don't know if I should laugh or cry. It's very literal. Cause on one side it's been shitty, exhausting and constantly testing my patience... but on the other side I've been smiling at the thoughts of you, recent memories and the future. I'm so torn I feel split in two. More than usually, that is. So maybe that makes me actually split in three. I don't know. Cause I'm always two people, I mean, me and Anna. Okay that thought is making me dizzy.
Youtube advised me to listen to "Hypnos" by Chelsea Wolfe and I found I really like it. It's making me calmer again. Oh, I'm telling Anna to remind me to close my bedroom window before I go to sleep and I wonder if any of us will actually remember it. Probably not. Good thing I still sleep with a duvet in my bed.
I thought about you all day, but didn't really know what to say to you and you were never online when I looked so I thought maybe a day alone wouldn't hurt. I don't know, I still missed you. The memory of your smile comforted me between all my anger outbursts that I lost count on. It seems I had my first bad day in over a month. And I'm so weirded out by it I literally didn't know what to do. Maybe I should have talked to you, yeah, maybe I should have.
I mean to take it easy tomorrow. No school. My mother is gonna come over with a new cell phone for me and maybe we'll do some grocery shopping together as well. Then she can drive me home so I won't have to carry everything so far. It just takes me around 12 minutes to walk home from the store, but it still can be annoying when I have heavy food and drinks to carry. It's not really the weight of it though that bothers me, but how the bags cut into my hands when I carry them. I must have the world's most sensitive hands.
I use to sometimes say it's my "artist's hands" and I have to be careful with them so that they won't get too damaged to do art. Well, it's that and my extreme fear of having my hands badly injured. I actually quite often end up thinking about what it would be like if I lost my hands. I don't know why. It always upsets me a lot. They're so valuable to me, compared to any other part of my body. I guess that thought has been kinda possessing me.
I think too much about things like that, although I try not to. Cause no matter how careful I am, things could still go wrong. I've learned that the hard way, with other things. I've never broken a bone in my body, I've never been injured at all. The worst thing that's ever happened to my body is the self harm scars I've inflicted, and they're all very superficial. I was always scared of cutting deep on my arms because I was scared of cutting off nerves to my hands. I've always been so careful with my body, always so scared of accidents.
I feel so strangely complete when I'm around you somehow. It's strange, but so very familiar at the same time. Perhaps, I'm just not used to feeling that way. But I am, I felt like that for an eternity. It's just that... yeah, lately I haven't been used to it. It's so weird in a way, but at the same time it's very much not, how I feel like I'm slowly becoming who I really am again. In a good way, the way it's always felt like it's supposed to be, but I've been missing something, someone. Slowly, the pieces fall into place again. And I can't keep up with the changes.
I feel all sorts of strange energies within me that I can't explain. But yeah, that it's connected to my long distant past, that much I'm aware of. Just these strange energies flowing through me, I can't make any sense of them. I wonder why I can't remember what music was like back in Dala. I had memories of it, but lost them in early childhood, along with the language. I think part of why most of my thoughts are formed as words and sentences is because I was so used to telepathy back in Dala, like some part of me is always prepared or something. I wonder if it could ever possibly happen.
It would be practical, but perhaps wouldn't leave much space for privacy. I don't remember if privacy was ever an issue in Dala. I don't think it was. No, I actually think no one ever had a reason to hide anything. I've never thought of this before, but as a child I never felt the need to ever hide any part of myself. I was completely open and honest about literally everything. Until I learned what embarrassment, shyness and self hatred was. Oh god, this world took away so much. It makes me think... if maybe I went from being an ideal version of myself to something less. I shriveled and nearly died. Now I have to build it up again. Overcome all that embarrassment, that shyness and self hatred that this world taught me. But I think I know what it needed to teach me.
I know where to start. Yes, but I don't have much of a plan. Of course though, I do know I have the right to privacy, it's not that. It's not what I mean. I mean, what keeps me from being myself. What holds me captive, the bars of my cage. That's what I want to break free from, become again, as free as I once was. I think I know now, what you meant when you said that one can be free and still be alive. Thank you, for telling me.
I feel I'm finally on the right track, on the path that I need to be on. And I don't know if I found it or if it found me. I did realise a lot of things when I was still trapped in darkness by the end of last year, perhaps I was onto something already then. And I feel, I have so much to smile about these days, but mostly it's you. I just can't help but feeling that everything happened exactly when it needed to happen. Step by step until it landed me here, tonight.
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