As ready as I can be

I dreamed about my feelings tonight, but in another shape or form. My stomach has been hurting literally all night, it woke me up a dozen of times. It's barely 8:30 in the morning and my thoughts are already spinning.

My drawing is filling in nicely and I will quite soon be done with it. I'm getting dizzy from all the thoughts and feelings that just keep spinning literally non-stop. I don't know why I'm so shocked. It's a positive thing and it should give me positive reactions. It does but it gives me all sorts of reactions. I don't know how to react in a normal way to things similar to this. And I'm shocked because its depth is more advance than it's ever been in the past. Because of what could with all likelihood be true. It's not just what I feel, it's also what I know.

I bought my wine and will indulge in it to one last time go through it all, go through what is still unclear to me and hope for some clarification at the end of the day. But if I won't get any, I'll accept that and go with things how they already are instead. So either way, I'll consider myself done processing later today. I can't keep doing that forever and neither would I want to. I want to tell you like now now now but at the same time I'm a bit scared to. And nervous as fuck.

Yes I am moving closer and though it's what I want I'm also scared of moving too close too fast. But I've prepared you as well as I can now and I hope for the best. You never know, you know, what could happen. I keep thinking about it and I can't let go of the thoughts. I don't really want to either, but they are pretty damn all consuming. I wish to go through, whatever this leads us to, with you. I don't think there's really any other way either.

A new era has begun. I feel it in my heart and soul. Something is changing within me, almost everything feels so new and fresh. Like a warm breeze. I feel so much that I feel empty. Like the thoughts are so many and so wild that it becomes almost like silence, like a white noise, and same with my feelings. Like mixing all colours together until you get no colour at all.

I let the wine fuel my body and fill out the spaces in my blood stream. Just for today, then I'm going to be sober. One last time I'll try to process everything and I'll do that mostly in private notes. I do write my private notes as if I'm already planning on letting you read them someday. I don't want to hide anything, I don't want to hold back anymore. If I'll be too much for you, how can I know? But I just can't see you leaving me, not for this at least. I really don't think so, but I can't control my fears. They're there, and I accept their presence. But I won't let them rule me either.

I rule me and nothing else. And I find myself listening to your playlist on tumblr for the first time ever, as I just restarted my computer and it started playing before I had the chance to open up Spotify. So I thought why not, and that it was a perfect time for it. Why haven't I listened to it before? I ask myself but all I see is confusion. I don't know why. I really do like the songs so far, and I've just gotten to the third one.

I just casually realised that I haven't shared or talked much about the more alternative type of music that I listen to, and now, having it in front of me, I can list all of the German music artists/groups that I like listening to: Leaether Strip, Funker Vogt, Absurd Minds, Front 242, Schwarzblut, Dance or Die, FGFC820 as well as Blutengel and Tokio Hotel. Or, I'm just assuming that they're all German because they've all made songs sung in German.

It makes me also wonder, how much Russian music you might have listened to? I find myself really liking a band called DDT and Mymi Troll or I think that's how you pronounce it cause I can't really write it in Cyrillic. They're both a bit weird, but I find their music comforting somehow. I'd say that DDT is alternative rock-ish? and that Mymi Troll is more just some kind of alternative I don't even know what. They make calmer songs, but it's hard to describe cause I kinda actually forgot them and now Spotify don't have them anymore.

Oh, is that an accordion that I hear? I know it may sound weird but I totally love that musical instrument, mainly because my grandfather on my father's side used to play it to me when I was very young. I remember he was very good at it and I do remember him with warmth in my heart although I never got to know him before he passed away when I was at the age of around 5. He was the one of all my grandparents that I liked the most. I also had a classmate back in upper high school, or "gymnasium" who was also skilled with that instrument and I was completely stunned by it when he played it for me and a few other classmates at a reunion a bunch of years ago. So stunned that I found no words. I'm still in contact with him today (well somewhat) and he is a really nice and truly one of those "good" people. I haven't seen him for a long time though.

I need to figure out how I came to this realisation. I'll read my blog post from April 1st again and my first poem that is about this. I'll do that now, before I get too drunk. Yes, okay I don't know if being drunk could actually help at all. I sincerely doubt it. I'll just stop drinking and save the rest of the wine. This was stupid. Now I need to sober up cause I need to talk to you.

Okay I took another nap and now I'm finally sobering up again. For the first time ever I think I actually regret getting drunk in the first place. It was a stupid idea and how exactly did I think it would help? I'm as ready as I can be, and, I hope you are too. So yes, any time from now would be a good time for me to talk. I'll leave it up to you to decide when we should talk, when you're ready too.